Saturday Night In Barcelona

Ola. Buenas Noche.
Just thought I would let you know about my Saturday evening in Barcelona. I went to a party at Hotel Omm which is about as pretencious as it gets in Barca, well, you know the Armani clad bouncers, who all seemed to look like Antonio Banderas; the overpriced drinks; the leather poofs (not gay men sillys, the foot rests).
I had been invited by the promotor - just to add to the pretenciousness, who I met in a bar when out with Heather and Sarah a few weeks ago. He is called Jerman. I call him Alleman which is Spanish for German - all a bit confusing, especially after a few vodka con limons. OK I will stop with the Spanish as most of my readers can not understand English too well, hence the sudden influx of pictures - Bit like reading the Sunday papers really - you can flick through and take a gander at all my scrummy pics. I have added this one for you so u can slag off my red bra. I have only 3 bras on me as you all know my clothes are in another continent right now. Well, at least my jewelry matches. It was taken just before I went out at midnight on Sat.
I have had the pleasure of meeting a Northern Lass who is originally from the Wirral, but has been in NYC designing acessories for the past 10 years so she came round for dinner - Cauliflower Surprise. Can not give more than that away, thus ruining the surprise, but if you did ever get lucky enough to sample some, I am sure you'd love it. Mam, ta for t' recipe. Few roast spuds too, need a bit of substance when one is about to embark on serious measures of alcohol in the old bebidas - sorry drinks. Oh these lessons are really paying off.
In fact I spoke Spanish all night on Sat - everyone knows my occupation, where I am from, where I want to live and my mother's brother's children's names - simply cousins I know, but one must maximise one's vocab skills. Talking of which I must gt on and do my homework, instead of maulding round the house all day. It's a shame I only know the the present tense, a few irregular verbs and the reflexive verbs - by the way that means you do it to your self - Mastabatarse, can you guess that one? Always COMES in HANDY!
Dancing was the order of the evening, it did sem like a bit of a school disco upon 1st inspection but as I became more inhibriated I could see the sense in dancing like summat not quite right for the rest of the evening. Still suffering a bit from the old ski muscle injuries, however after a few leg kicks they began to warm up a bit.
Lots of demin I noticed, not much dressing up here - I am beginning to think it is only girls from Leeds, Newcastle and Kent who dress like they are off to a gay wedding ceremony that's being held in Ibiza. Really I am serious, us Brits do not seem to wear very much and it was commented on by a Swiss pal of mine from class. I miss that though, it's good to flaunt some flesh and try & match some bikini top with the shortest skirt off the rack. I think boys like it better too- Why wouldn't they wanna see a bit of snatch when they are out for a good time on a Saturday? Yes, jeans are big here, so are very strange dread lock mullets. I have not been home for a while and really do hope that this fashion has been religated to the great fashion disaster record books, come on boys - you are nothing like a footy player - Grow up. Nah, it's actually the women who sport these weird doidges (as I would say) they involve a fringe that looks like something someone, with no fingers and a machettie would achieve if one was daft enough to walk in to a salon employing the physically imparred and ask for a mullet. I need to think of a word for this new doidge. Bullet is the right description for a bald head with long bits grasping on for dear life down the neck - Bald-Mullet right? But this outragous crime to OTHER PEOPLE'S vision is a serious misdemeanour, some sort of law needs to be written preventing such fashion disasters. I mean we are the one's looking it it - No one go's round with a mirror constantly glued to once face - well, apart from Kate Moss - No, sorry she's all reformed and that - whoops forgot.
I need to think of a name, I need to go and have a cig to calm me down and try and come up with something...Hang on...Back in 10 drags...
Got it. A Dred-it, that'll do - I dread to think of any respectible hardresser putting their fine skills to such a do, but it's happening right here in Barca.
I must go and do my homework now - Less of the delay tacticts.
I am home in the UK on the 28th Feb for anyone who gives a damn. Oh, I my new boyfriend will be flyng accross the pond at the end of March. I am so looking forward to meeting him at last! Crazy.

More Vancouver Pics - Sorry It IS Gorgeous Though!

Images From Vancouver

Thanks for Mum's

Happy Valentine's Day.

Even though it is a bunch of shite promoted by Hallmark and the likes it is still great to know someone loves you even if it is only your Mother!
I have just been on the phone to my dear Mother in San Francisco and thanked her for the wonderful package of gifts she had so kindly sent for me. Bless.
I recieved all the things a girl requires on this the day of pampering, hugs and love.

• A lovely 'Daughter' card.
• A tiny metal box containing 4 gorgeous chocs
• 3 Hello Kitty lip glosses in assorted flavours
• Hello Kitty knickers
• 2 pairs of love heart socks (one for trainers and one for boots)
• 2 pairs of tights - mad big holed orange fishnets and pink and red patterned
• Posh night cream ( redirected from my own medicine cabinet in SF - you know the one I will probably never have access to again due to my terrorist status!)
• Make-up bag
• 2 hair bobbles
• My much missed camera charger - which is in action now - ready for me to try and download my Vancouver pictures
• FINALLY 2 bras - 38D from my appartment in the city - which are not mine - but came from my wardrobe (Whos are they I wonder? - straight in bin I must add - What do you think I could fit my melons in them? Still 34 DD actually even though I am a size 10, for the 1st time since I was 13 - hey UK 10 = USA 7 ish)

Mum also sent me my mail which has been sent from my old home in London, to my Grandma's in Yorkshire, to my mother's in San Francisco to ma casa en Barcelona. It seems that my mail follows a similar journey plan as it's recipient. Mental to think that a few credit card statements, reminders to pay off Student Loans and a reminder that a library book was due back in October (not in my hands, I took it out for an aquaintence) have travelled at least 13,000 miles to get to me.

I must moan now and tell my Grandma to stop opening my mail then sending it to the USA for me. I like opening my own mail thanks very much - now half of the modern world know the ins and outs of my finances.

Anyway it is the day of St Valentine - who the heck is that by the way? Anyone know? Anyone bothered? Anyone arguing right now because their boyfriend did not get chocs, flowers, teddys or engagement rings?

I am going out tonight with a Scouse girl from my Spanish class and her Scouse mate, so what ever happens on this day of love, even though I am not with mine I will have a laugh, probably get hammered and wish I had never bothered when I get to school after only 3 hours sleep.

My Monstrously Mountainous Mini Break

Well, I am here to tell the tale of my absolutely brilliant little skiing Saree which I embarked upon this weekend. My wonderful hosts told me a few weeks ago that we would be taking a little trip and I was not sure if it would be in Andorra or somewhere else I have never been to before, and if you look at the pictures below you will see the exact region we went to Baqueira-Beret, which is in the Pyrenees. You know the range which boarders France and Spain? Well you do now.
After finishing Spanish Class, and being told I was to drop back to weeks 1 and 2 instead of progressing to weeks 3 and 4 - probably summat to do with emailing my new man for 3 hours a night instead of learning my verb-i-os; I legged it back to the casa to get my ski essentials packed - you know - shiny pink lip gloss, Prada shades, first aid kit, beer money and thermals. Sarah and I waited for Jose Ramon to get off work and we set off North West of Barca towards the mountains. It was dark so I had only the little bit of Internet browsing scanned earlier in the week to help me gain some idea of the gorgeousness I was missing. Boy was I in for a treat.
The Hotel was called the Apple Tree, and was hotter than the surface of the sun, which made me begin to worry about the next days temperatures, not that it would bother me as I would be remaining vertical all day - surely...Anyway we were tired as it was now 1am. No time for reading the rest of Brideshead Revisited - Does Charles ever get Sebastian into bed I wonder? Don't tell me, don't tell me. I have nearly got to the sex scene.
Breakfast consisted of lots of dead pigs, dead ducks and dead sausages, all very fatty, but good energy food so it was devoured with a few slices of white toast. I must say white bread is all the rage here, such a shame when it took me nearly 2 years to wheen me off the stuff. I digress. I made sure I ate as much as possible because I had heard somewhere that skiing burned off lots of calories. I had about 2k, enough or so I presumed. I hiredski poles and ski, ski, skis - ah yes that's their name. It was only 35 euros for a two day lend and the man measured me with a bit of old wood and an old fashioned shoe measure like one used to get clamped into in Clarks' as a kid. Off sky, ready for the slopes.
I must say the drive was slow, winding and queish. Everyone was planning on taking a little trip to the slopes it seemed, mind you looking round one can not imagine doing anything but. I was a bit perturbed my the numerous foot prints in the snow and was beginning to thing that a Puma, bear or Yettie was gonna grab me if I decided to go off piste. Once we arrived we started the long process of trying to squeeze one's feet into what seemed like fit for dwarfs and midgets feet only ski boots - Squashed, painful and totally unnatural. Now you have to remember my skiing knowledge is limited, well, was and I was absolutely shitting icicles at the thought of hurtling down a slope, covered in ice and snow, which seemed to resemble a very long version of something Eddie the Eagle Edwards may have reluctantly thrown himself down numerous years ago, you know when he was pseudo-cool-chic? It is a good job Jose was there, however he did let me have a go before he taught me the basics. Much to his amusement, I swanked down a vertical drop at 2,500 feet like a screaming banshee with her fingers caught in a car door. He could not stop laughing, especially at my stopping technique which consisted of launching myself sideways onto the snow, past the barriers and with a massive whack to the right hip bone. Nice.
After smacking into a cable car lamp post-type pole, covered in luminous orange padding, loosing a ski and virtually breaking my neck, Jose told me that I had to walk before I could run, or ski like I was on the loo before I could get down the mountain in a speedy manner. All this falling business would have to stop and I would need to concentrate and act like a total beginner before I could try and be a successful skier. He should have really listened to his own advice, as when we were due to miss the last ski lift to the car he decided to take me piggy back stylee with my skis in one hand and his poles in the other down the last slope of the day. Baring in mind the snow boarding gear I had bought on my mini break to Vancouver which turned into a 2 month doss round Europe, was bulky, his clothing was bulky too, the slope was a steep one and I weigh 10 stone all adding up to the word disaster, indeed lead to a huge error, too much speed, not enough control, ploughing into Sarah (who was calmly waiting at the bottom) and causing serious knee injury to the only proper skier in the party. All this and we missed the last lift. Not that the girlies were bothered, we knew we were not to be stranded to fend for ourselves in the bitter cold of the snowy wonderland. Nah, we knew all along that we had out eyelash fluttering technique to hand (waterproof mascara necessary), and got a lift from a ski instructor in his Jeep back down to the car. Sarah drove me back to the hotel so that I could get a well deserved bath and drove her fiancee to the hospital. To cut a long story short he has to have an xray in a week, but the Dr said it's a broken ligament or bone - to be determined once the ultra sound has been carried out.
Shame really as the instructor missed the second day on the slopes, and Sarah and I were left alone to dare to try the rest of the runs. Once I had the fear of God in me I was a sensible novice, got down 3 more runs, only falling once. I only fell once stopped as my little tree trunk thighs would not hold me up any more. This leaves me here now - back in BCN with legs I can not longer control and a walk akin to my dear old Great Grandma Biddy's (Bless Her Soul) who was the ripe age of 100 and walked like Golum off The Lord of The Rings, come to think of it she looked a bit like him in the end too. (Big fat joke). I think she was actually with me over the weekend, my Guardian Angel making sure no harm came to the me - only to the Spics!

Baqueira - Beret The Pyrenees Spain

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My Aunt Sent Me This - Do You Think She's Taking The Piss?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and me met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You got Male.

CONGRATULATIONS SARAH AND SHANE IN AUSTRALIA

This is the first picture of my friend Sarah and her and her husband Shane's brand new baby girl Shire Day. How gorgeous? I am so brudy right now, this picture brought tears to my eyes. I am so pleased that she was a healthy 7lb 2 oz, with all fingers and toes. How cute are those little bee-stung lips? I have now got an excuse to go out and buy some 'bebe ropas' in the Barcelona sales, which I must say are approaching nearly 80%off - Bargain (not that I would not have paid full price!).

The happy couple live down under in Perth Australia so maybe they will get this message - Shire will probably be having her own by the time meet her! Hope not, well done. Loads of love to you all.

Swept Of My Feet

This is an amaizing tale of how powerful the written word can actually be. With only email as a medium I am falling in love.

My search for a husband maybe coming to an end, because I have found my perfect match. I met a wonderful, sensitive, intuative, kind hearted, intelligent, humorous man on-line and he is coming to Barcelona to sweep me off my feet - or sweep the floor with me (the cynic in me is only for your purpose - I am hooked).

He is pinching himself and I am slapping myself over the face trying to make sense of this sudden and seemingly too-good-to-be-true moment of fate. Something good has finally come around. I was begining to believe that I had no chance of meeting a man who was man enough for me. Well, look no further, he's here. Well, he's not - at the moment he is 3 photographs, over 300 emails and a few phone calls away from reality.

He is 39 years old, divorced, no kids, has lawful employment, lives in San Francisco and is not challenged by height issues - He is 5'11" - or so he says - If he is smaller than me he will not be greeted by my open arms, just me pointing back to the departure lounge at BCN airport. I am so excited, he is flying all that way to meet me. We are both extatic.

My family are really happy for me, which is a first! They must hear it in my voice when I relay how lovely and so right for me he is. My Mum is meeting him before I do for coffee. She wanted to and he asked so I have sealed my own fate! He has prommised however if he does not like her (as if he would not) he will still come here to plant a kiss on my cheek. He said he would swim thorough shark infested water just to get me an ice cold lemonade - so he passed the Dr Laura and Mother test.

The internet is a fantastic way to meet someone for several reasons. The main one for me is one can ask away, any question on any issue; now, when one is speed emailing as we are, one knows that the person on the other end is genuine. One can tell a lot from the written word, especially when emailing someone for 3 hours a day.

For the cinics and critics out there, give me advice, I will listen, but we'll see...

I am the happiest I have been for a long, long time. And if that's all I get out of this affair I will be greatful that it happened to me :-)

Intensive Spanish Lessons Are....

INTENSIVE...

Bloody hell, I am supposed to be learning verbs. How can one do that in an other language when one has difficulties in one's Mother tongue?

I just wanted you all to know I am really happy right now - The sun is shinning in Barcelona, the food and people are fantastic and my hosts are the best.

I am writing because I am avoiding important matters - o, as, a, amos ais, an and all that.

Adios

Missing This

Hello my dear Blogeristas,

How goes it? I wanted to post this picture which was only taken the other week. Yeah, before I became a terrorist threat to my dear and beloved host nation.

I miss the bridge how can one not?

I took this while driving from a friend's to work on a Friday morning, not my usual route into the ofice, but one well worth the additional 30 minute drive. It was taken on my Casio Exlim 5mmp extra suave camera - while I ws doing 60 mph. Pretty impressive eh? Anti shake function working overtime I feel, well worth the extra dollars. I can not however post any pics of my Vancouver trip or any from here in Barcelona as I left my charger at home - Silly me thinking I'd get back inthe door to plug it in before the batteries ran out forever.

Well, due to the wonders of technology I emailed my dear Mother and asked her to send me the dicking station via snail mail - With the Spanish postal service I will probably get it by the time they have invented a cameea which can take pictures without human aid and recharge itself thorough voice command.

A bit about my 1st Spanish weekend. Jose and Sarah took me for dinner with their friends and I had meat for the 1st time in a week. Living with Sarah means vegi-cooking, well, not strickty for me, but it seems daft to make two lots of dinners. So off I went into a meat n greet. Lots of very difficult to remember Spanish names to learn and pleanty of dead animals to devour. I had a Cattalonian specialty of stuffed squid, and a few duck thights with a chocolate sauce. The latter sounds gross, and it was not too hot, never mind at least it helped soak up the vino tinto (red wine for those who have not just took part in their 1st intensive Spanish lesson). This feast took place at 11pm - I am going to have to get used to this - Mind you getting up at noon and having brunch at 4pm aided me when staving off the hunger pains.

Then it was club time. Well, after a house party which consisted of a lot of student types and 3 CD's! Yeah - Jose and his friend Silvia decided since I was away from San Francisco a gay club would be just what I needed. Hummmmmmmm... I did have a fantastic boogie with a dwarf called Oscar, he was very impressed with my Madonna Impression. What is with her new video by the way?

Oh, have you all rushed our and bought the Arctic Monkeys CD? I do not usually go on about tunes on this blog - but it is well worth a mention - Amazon-it now.

Ok have to learn lots of vocab for test tomorrow. I must say I feel quiety confident about these Spanish classes. I know more than I like to portrey, in fact I surprised myself!

Adios.

x

Juanitta Banana (new name here as Jo sounds like Ho - and THAT would not do my rep any good)

PS No spell check - I know I am crap, but why? Oh why can't I get a PC with spell check just once - go on - let something go my way for a change.

Spanish Lessons

Ok, I am going to try and create a link to a word a day in Spanish, you know bit of extra swotting for teacher.
I start my class on Monday and am determined to beat the competition - Won't be hard like as I am one of four in my class!

Bloody typical they had to incorporate Californian residents into my 1st entry! Is this a wind up?

Four Countries in Ten Days

Hola,

Well the long awaited update of my goings ons since I was denyed entry into the soding States. I am actually living at my best friend Sarah's in Barcelona. She offered for me to come and stay for a while until I got sorted visa wise. Which was grand indeed. Well, a friend in need and all that jazz.

What a palava? I flew into Heathrow on Thursday. I eventually got a $700 flight instead of the $3,000 British Airways tried to flog me. Cheek of it, they see a damsil in distress and try to bleed her dry of every last cent! Please excuse any American or Spanishisms, my head is obviously a bit skew-wiff after visiting 4 countries in only 10 days!

USA (San Francisco) - Friday 13th Jan (should have bloody known)
Canada(Vancouver) - Friday 13th Jan - Wednesday 18th
England(London & Leeds) - Thursday 19th - Monday 23rd
Spain (Barcelona) Monday 23rd - Present day.

I have since had several marriage proposals from my Internet dating pals, not much use though because a wedding in the UK would mean that I would have to stay in the cold for two years ie live in the UK. Well, that's what I think, maybe the law has changed? Anyway I would seriously consider marrying for a Green Card. I would pay up to $5k for the pleasure, it would saveme all of the moving about every 90 days. Mind you, when I do eventually get back into my adopted home I am not risking any thing next time. I will stay put until I get a green card. I will not risk this again.

Sarah has just asked me to be bridesmaid at her July 22nd wedding in Harrogate, Yorkshire. I have of course accepted, I am honoured, I would love it. It will be dificult getting in and out of the States if I do ever get back in so I have told her I will have to stay there if I do get back in, thus causing all sorts of dilemas and dramas. Who knows I could still be this side of the pond in 6 months anyway.

I will now try and explain the whole sinario regarding this misfortunate trip around the globe...

I was staying in San Francisco on a 90 day Waiver Visa, and pressumed that I could leave the country after 90 days, then come back and get a new Waiver Visa. So a trip to Vancouver it was. I should have however gone to the Caribbean as initially intended then I would have deffinately been allowed re-entry. As the Caribbean is classed as a seperate country from the USA where as Canada and Meico are not! Since they boarder the USA they are not a seperate country, so when I tried to get back over the boarder (at Vancouver customs) I had actually overstayed the visa I had by 2 days (it ran out on January 15th). Bastard.

I tried to keep my cool during my brief flirtation with the law, a few anger driven tears dripped methodically down my right cheek (well, did not want to mess my mascara up on both eyes!), I sobbed when thinking of my poor mother having to empty my belongings out of my lodgings in SanFran. and jigged my sholders about a bit, in conjunction with the tears. None of this worked, however the Mexican woman at boarder control was gutted for me, she said she knew exactly how I felt (I bet she bloody did). Her supervisor was not so sympathetic.
In fact when he had to explain why Canada was not a country in the eyes of Immigration, an explaination which baffled all listening and would never have made any sense even if George Bush had have tried to explain it! Talking of whom, I had to look at his smug little head when I was being dressed down (big picture of the twat on wall). The Supervisor said "these visas are for people visiting Disney Land Mam, NOT for people wanting to reside near their family". So that told me.

He also informed me that it would not be a problem getting a B2 visa - It would take 5 working days, that all sounded convincing. So I signed a paper stating I was totally unaware of the law regarding this visa, that Canada was not a country (I do not agree but it was better than spending a night in a cell), then promptly dashed out into the foyer of Vancouver airport and started to bawl my eyes out!
I was crying at the thought of staying a night in the aorport, incurring silly costs and not seeing my mum in the distant future.

So here I am - Spain again. I was only visiting saying Sarah and Jose 12 weeks ago. Anyway, nowt I can do now. Keep buggering on I suppose.

USA NO GO

I am stuck in Vancouver airport - The USA immigration denyed me entry back to San Francisco.
I now have to fly back into London to go and sort out a visa. I have a 5.30 flight to Heathrow this evening.
Wish me luck...

They Do Not Pronounce Their S'S IN Vancouver

WE*T COA*T
WEST COAST.
Get it?Well, it is raining hard in Vancouver. I am soaked to the bone, and need to warm up - So I am Blogging away like a loon trying to get my dainty little fingers all warm and cosy again!I have been a lazy bugger today. I was woken up by the maid at 8.30 am, which pee'd me off to no end, because it has become clear in my adult life than a lie in is not something I will ever truly feel the benefit of. I can never manage to lay in bed all morning without having a guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach. This morning I felt I deserved it, after all I am on holiday, and my inner thigh bone - You know the one near your privates, is absolutely killing me after a strenuous day on the bike yesterday. Definitely out of practice in the legs akimbo department! Must get round to sorting that out!I have been to China Town for a late luncheon of noodles Singapore style - Bit of curry powder will warm the old cockles up on a day such as this. Then went to the Dr.Sun Yat-Sen Classical Chinese Garden. That reminds me - I have to eat sushi before I go, it has been highly recommended. This trip was so wet and dark, by the time I'd eaten it was 4.30pm. So the gardens were dank, gloomy and without much florna anf flora to admire due to the season. However I did manage to get lost while wandering through various pagodas and over tiny little bridges. I ended up in the compost heap, a bit premature though - Well Psychic Bianca said I was gonna live to a healthy 80/90. Good guess Batman isn't that the average age we are expected to depart the planet these days?I met two women in the hot tub last night (did I mention I am staying in a suave 4 * hotel), and realised how so many people do not get to travel outside there own back yards. It is crazy but they were Canadians and were going 80 miles to take a holiday. You know we are really lucky us Europeans, with the advent of Easy Jet we can get our arses out of the country in the time it takes these guys to drive down to their nearest big city. They thought I was so brave traveling alone.

Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

Hi,
I am writing from Vancouver - It is 5 degrees c and I am freezing my tits off. However I can ignore this chilly fact as the city is one of the most pristine I have ever been to. It is gorgeous here.
You can not want for more - amazing skyscrapers - mostly apartments, with shiny mirrored glass facades, in many assortments of colours of the rainbow. There is a huge park on the tip of the city and the whole place has a back drop of wondrous snow capped mountains.
I am here for a few days so I can re-enter the USA with a new 90 day stamp in my passport - Keep wondering if they'll let me back though customs - if not I will be back in London Wednesday! I will have become acclimatized to the dreadful cold though - my hands are frozen now typing this.
Anyway I am staying in the heart of the Downtown area at the Sandman Hotel. It is very spacious and pleasant however somewhat cold. I had to wait for the cleaner to do my bed this am - so I could sneak back in and turn the heating back on. There is a pool (which I dare not visit - too cold), and a lovely cafe etc. I have not spent much time in here mind, I have been exploring the city. By bike. No that was not a typo - I have actually rented a bike out for the past 2 days and I must have done at least 6 miles today, just sauntering around the place. I have stopped a million times to take pics, I am sure they will bore the pants of you lot, however I will post some anyway, it's so pretty here. Stanley Park is amazing and it has a Beaver Lake. Did not spot any yet - but there were a few dads showing kids ring-necked ducks of some sort!
I have not seen a Moose to my disappointment. Nor anyone skating about with a long stick in hand.
I did go to a very small theatre to see a one man play called Thom Pain last night - Quite amusing, although the audience did not really laugh - Not getting irony or sarcasm must have been something the Canadians inherited from the Yanks! Any way, the funniest bit was in the bar after - when I was waiting for my cab - Weird I got the same one who dropped me off - by coincidence - but sooooo Vancouverish - Everyone knows everyone - village like in this respect. So now I have a cabbie friend - That's not the funny bit. The funny bit is after the show I was chatting in the bar, and one of the crew asked if I was something to do with The Festival. Being a graduate with a dual degree (PE/Drama Film and TV), of course I guessed that she was going on about the Edinburgh Festival. My sense of humour told me to lie and say "Yah Dahrling", but my moral standing meant I could not tell tales and admitted I was a lone tourist with nowt better to do on a Sat night.
I love being 31 - I would have never gone into a theatre on my own when I was a chicklett. In fact, upon reflection this is the first time I have been anywhere which involves sleeping alone for more than 1 night ever. I did house sit ince for an X at university - But York's hardly a foreign land is it? Well it would be to a Canadian I suppose. Anyway, I digress. The play was great, even though I did not have anyone to share my Crunchy bar with. Yeah they have Cadbury's bars here. AND they are the same as the ones at home. So I have stocked up and would not share the things even if I did have a friend here.
My arse is killing me by the way.
Must be saddle sore... Out of practice I guess!
When I returned my mountain bike yesterday I passed a Psychic's shop and went in. For $40 I was told that some fucker (sorry), yeah some twat has put a spell on me. My cards came out all black and dark and she reckons I have a few people who are jealous and have actually wished bad luck on me. I will have 1 child, although I should be married with 2 kids by now (due to the spell this has not come to fruition), my great grandmother is my angel and is always with me, I have been here before, well my sole has, and I will become preggers in 10 days, 10 months or 10 years. BUT I will not stay with the father - in fact I will never be lucky in love. So I may as well cancel my internet dating subscription then!
I was nearly crying when I came out, until I called mum and she said she'll reverse the spell 'cause she got a spell book for Xmas! So that's sorted then!!!!
She also said I am very kind, but never get any recognition, Sam was no good for me and not to even think about getting back with him, and that I smile always, but this hides more morose feelings. True. But not complaining.
It was all a pitch to get me to fork out a wedge for some candles and a sprig of basil, a 3 day healing programme to rid me of this bad luck inducing spell. I told her I believed in Karma and if I was as kind as she said surely one day my luck would change.
And it did! I walked 2 blocks down the road back to my hotel, and stumbled across The Amsterdam Cafe - Which had a huge neon leaf in the window. So I trotted in, well skipped actually and asked the coffee maker if it was REALLY like the Damage (Amsterdam) I love so much. No it was not, in short - Well even the ever the optimist inside me could not expect my luck to change so drasically in only 2 blocks. No purchasing of the herb just the "OK" to smoke it. Was the rule.
Well, I was not a local so did what I thought best. Joined a table of guys smoking a blunt and introduced my self as the new girl about town with nothing to smoke (poor me). I was seeing double and spouting off a load of old shite before the blunt came back round the circle. I like blunts - never had one - But they do not roll with tobacco here or in the States and I miss the cig bit - A blunt is a cigar leaf which you use like a Rizla and then just add pure weed. Tastes milder than a UK spliff but so much better than the shitty way the Californian's do it. You cannot get a hit off that stuff with out coughing your guts up.
I have been very naughty in Vancouver. I have smoked at least 2 cigs a day since I arrived. Can not kick it as easily as 1st presumed, I must apologies to my bestist Leanne as I have been giving her shit for sneaking the odd cig when I have been on the phone to her. She quits every Sunday! I have gone since the end of June I think it was - But back to square one now!
Anyway, what else can I tell you about Vancouver?
Oh, I may go and have a snow boarding lesson tomorrow. Not got the right attire really - Well, I suppose my parka will do for a coat - even though it's floor length at the tail. I need pants - Trousers - soz been in the USA for far too long - I don't even say knickers anymore, I say pants or underwear, lot easier - mind you shouldn't say owt really just get 'em off as quickly as possible, just in case he changes his mind! Sorry smutty thoughts - Missing my man o' the mo'. (no more on this).
Ok I am off before I say too much - my gob and fingers are running away with me. (does that sound rude?)
Wish me luck weatherwise for the snow boarding - It rained for 28 days in a row just before I arrived. They are gutted they did ot make the record - 29 days. Nutters.

Not Had Much Time Of Late...

Well, well, well. I have been very busy conducting an extreemly important investigation into Internet dating. Is Internet a proper noun? Anyway, I digress, as usual when telling a very interesting and intriguing tale.
Yes. I have been participating in a little quest to try and find a decent single straight male (SSM) in San Francisco. Even though it is a little place compared to London it is not as easy as you think, looking on foot, afterall there are those hills. Yes, just like on the movies. They take a big breath and a lot of stamina to climb, and that is fine when sightseeing but not when looking for a SSM.
So to illiminate a lot of time, breath and hill climbing I decided to join an internet dating site, the biggest for singles in the W.W.W. How much fun can a girl have window shopping for a gorgeous man? Believe you me. A lot. And you who know me. You know a lot's a RIGHT lot! Well, we don't do things by halves up North.
OK so you post a few pics of your self, not too many posy, I'd say 'cause they need to know if you laugh and talk a lot. Not many pictures of me with my mouth closed actually mind you, but I threw a few good ones in. Then you type a profile of your requirements, which in the USA is Car? Income? Allamoney Payments? But for a lass with simple tastes it is must like outdoors, not be allergic to cats - well anything, no white socks with shoes, you know, the usual things.
I decided to find the man of one's dreams one must play the numbers game. It is simple math (s), my friends. So 2 dates a day for about 10 days should do the trick!
Not that easy. 3 Outfits only, because IF any make it past the 1st date they will have to be subjected to the LBD, and you can not wear that on a first date unless you wanna create the wrong impression. (you know, like "shag me brains out now, please".) The extra one is back up. You know what I mean ladies?
You then add a bit about yourself. It does not matter what you write the pics say a lot.
The next stage is various email too and fro - Then meeting up for coffee.
I am thinking about creating an other blog for the diary of events, the end has not been written so I guess you will have to wait...

The Lobster Nipped My Nipple!

Happy New Year.
I am not blogging due to serious amounts of time being spent persuing other activities.
Thanks for reading my blog over the past year. I will be back on form soon.
Jo x

Turkey Trauma

Beauty

I saw the most amaizing multi stemmed English Silver Birch this morning. It looked spooky sat in the middle of a garden full of evergreens. This tree was so elegant and was appealing to me because this morning, just as a tinge of homesickness kicked in the tree reminded of home. The Sceptered Isle.

I have never noticed autumn here before. But this year I have admired the flame red and vibrant oranges of the Liquid Amber in particular. There aren't tree-lined streets littered with fallen leaves here. You know the ones you used to run through on the way to school, or bend down and rumage through looking for any hidden conkers? This is because there is an army of guys with blowers, ready to eliminate any leaf that dare make a mess.

It made me smile just to see the morning sun glistening through the bare branches of the lone Birch. Ideally a black squirrel would have given me a bit of extra entertainment, not that I needed it. The beautiful branches reaching out to the sky made me smile because after spending all week in the throngs of stressed out shoppers this was an experience which would not leave me tired, bad tempered and broke.

Christmas Shopping. Again!

Why did I call my step dad and ask if he needed anything from Macey's?
I have now only 5 more pressys to buy. For five lads between 15 and 27 years old. So a trip to the city centre tomorrow night after work will mean fighting my way through yet another throng of shopping crazed folk. San Francisco is mental right now.
Usually one can stroll around the big department stores with not a care in the world. The occasional make up clad lady will approach you with a stick of paper smelling of the latest movie star's perfume. You can freely browse the rails of clothes, seeing if they fit by holding it up under your chin while looking in the mirror. The cafe is the busiest place in there. They do a wicked bread bowl with soup of the day, and always chowder and tomatoe.
But tonight it was a different story. Macey's shop floor was a free for all, full throttle, maxed out battle field. The make up glad, immaculatley dressed boys from the cosmetics department were hauling themselves at you like a misfired cruise missile. Dodging these f***ers was a chore in itself. And becoming a chore is what Christmas shopping was for me this evening. The drizzle did not help.
I was however pleased with my choice of venue for dinner. Sear's. I had fish and chips. Lovely. The chips were french fries or freedom fries as they liked to say when France chickened out of the war effort. There was enough as always to take in a kitty bag. Fat Cat and retardo now love their new mummy!
This was written last night - Now I am publishing it I may as well be walking over burning coals then jumping into a vat of acid. Yeah folks you have guessed - I am back shopping tonight. The only difference tonight is that it is torrential rain as opposed. A list of gifts will be written tonight, just so you know which shops to avoid!
Late x
P.S.Who ever said cut and paste a word doc once spell checked it talking outta their ass (CJ) it does not work.
P.P.S. Please read my Beautiful post just so you can reinforce your views of me. I have been a bit grumpy of late. Soz.

Morning Ride x 3 Don't Ask!

Pants

the sun rise pics r really ok. However some malfunction in the photo department means one's bolloxed it up once again.

Sun Rise This Morning

San Francisco Union Square Pictures

Just a few snaps I took when I was Christmas shopping last week. I love strolling about this square and always am drawn to it when I am out and about in the city.

Happy Crimble

Where is the spell check these days? Apologies and who ever sent that anon post re my spelling - some are unintentional, mere typos so sod off. Although I must admit I have a problem with double letters in a word.

Ho Ho Hooooooooooooooooooooooo
Harper is back...

Still an on going prob within the fam but I am sure it will either become livable or just dissapear into oblivion.
I am home alone, my room mate has gone to sunnier climes for Xmas to visit his family in Florida. Lucky sod, 'cause right now it has been gale force-winding-it and peeing it down for two days. Shame because I had a date this weekend and we had to spend a lot of time indoors! I did however manage a scenic drive through the redwood trees, passing Xmas tree farms and vineyards. Winding our way to Highway 1 and the Pacific. The fog was pretty bad but he got the jist - You know breathtaking cliffs, crashing waves including the Maveriks which is the biggest wave on record. It comes but once a year like Santa and the surfer dudes are all camping out in Princeton-By-The-Sea waiting for the ride of their lives.
Friends, country men and country men in foreign parts Happy Christmas to you and yours. May the season be filled with many happy times and may Santa bring you something you actually want instead of another electric razor or pair of gloves. Just in case anyone is feeling generous - especially my English friends a big box of t-bags would go down a treat. Right now I am on with 'Sleepy Time' bags from a health food shop (no I did not purchase them!) and I may as well neck a full bottle of Night Nurse (Nyquil) as that is the effect one gets. I set my alarm for PM the other day, it's a good job that the dustbin men come down my street at least 3 x a day or I would have been asleep 'till tea time!
Anyway I thought I would let you know I am cool and very pleased with the weekends goings ons. I am just waiting for mum to call me from Union Square so I can meet up and finish of the last minute bits n bobs.
Thanks for the cards - slowly they are getting here. I am like a big kid (well, not that big as the weight I put on from stopping smoking is slowly coming off) when I get home from work. I have been guessing the number of cards in the 'mail' box with Mike - Who was beating me by miles until this weekend. Nitzy, Sarah (nee Day) and Jules thanks.
OK off to get rid of this French manicure I have been scraping off for the past 1/2 hour.
Late.
X

The Shit Has Hit The Fan

You may not know or even care to know what this phrase means - Or in fact what it means in this instance. All I can say is there is something going on right now that affects my ability to blog. There is a matter that requires urgent attention from all family members involved and unfortunately I am other wise disposed trying to help someone in great need.
x

Quick Update

Just a quickie update on the Thanksgiving Holidays.

Thought I would use the spare 30 mins I have to let you know what I have been up to during the past week. May I appolgise to my friends first though, I am so rubbish at emailing you but do miss you all terribly. My Chrissy card list is being ticked so expect something in real ink through the post soon.

Thanksgiving Thursday last week.
Went to Angie's for a Scottish vegi food-a-thon. Got very merry and ended up at Treat Street bar in the Mission.

Friday.
Shopping for Uggs knee length lace up boots and various pressys for moi. Nice new heels (although not apreciated by all who saw them), jumpers for the winter etc.
Then met up with my roomie Mike and his mate, now officially my mate Blair, from NZ, and hopped a few bars up Haight Street. Back to ours, looked at the dominoes and went to bed.

Saturday.
Baker's Beach SF, with Freida the Mike's dog. Oh I will have to buy a camera asap, I need to be posting pics NOW. The dog is gorge' and the beach spectacular, shame you can not see them. Soon my dears, soon.
Sat night I went to Fisherman's Wharfe and met a new friend for cocktails and stuff. All very relaxing.

Sunday.
Sightseeing on Wharfe. Sealions etc.
Then I missed my 1st Spanish lesson, nightmare. So did Mike, bummer.

Monday.
Work and stayed at mum's.

Tuesday.
Same as Monday.

Wednesday NOW.
Just off for dinner round the corner at my mate's Teresa's. Better go gonna be late.

X

Sun Set San Gregorio Beach California USA

Hi, just a taster of the sort of gorgeousness I encounter on a daily basis. This was taken last Autumn actually on the beach closest to my mum's house. The weather is very wet in this part of the world today, so I thought I would cheer myself up, plus my step dad is out in that huge chunk of ocean right now. Crab fishing. He has had 2 hours sleep in 48 hours, I bet he is not looking in to the horizon with such rose tinted glasses.

Thanksgiving

Hello Peeps,
Just passing time at work, it is Thanksgiving tomorrow and I have Thursday and Friday off! It is like the day before you break up for Xmas in the UK. Everyone is the holiday spirit. I even had an eggnog latte yesterday, and wish I'd never bothered - It tasted really boozy - reminded me of the end of a heavy Saturday night squeezing a few Bailey's coffees in just because it seems like the right tipple at 1.20am. Please do not try this at home. I have to try the gingerbread one next - just for comparrison, I will let you know about the taste outcome.
Last night was a mad one, I went to the Filmore in the city to see a band called She Wants Revenge. Unfortunately we, mum, Mike and myself thought that there would be loads of tickets, and there wasn't. So we people watched for a bit outside the venue, I actually saw some girls dressed up. That is a first in the city. The fashion here is however a few months behind London. Which is an improvement on the previous years when I have been making observations. It's all the 3/4 length shorts and Victoriana blouses. Oh, that reminds me Uggs have brought out a new boot - check them out on their website, they have laces and look really warm. I can feel an investment coming on. How do they fair in the snow?
The snow is coming too. Lake Taho is gonna have to be visited this season. I have not been on the slopes since about '98 so please wish me luck, especially considering lack of medical insurance (note to me. Please sort this out). I want to learn how to snow board, so I guess I will have to hire all the stuff, just in case there's one sport I cannot quite master and I have to give it up as a bad job! Anyone off up Taho reading this - I would love to be involved.
Time to tell you about the clubs and groups I have joined in my 1st month in this strange and tantilising city. I have joined a book club, which apparently concentrates on a series of q's and a's regaring one's sex life, so that should take all of 2 mins! I missed my 1st session with the girlies as I was sick, I must find out what the next read is and try and get in the necessary reading more than 6 hours before the meeting - The book is irrelivant from what I have heard, so I should concentrate my efforts on seeking out a good Wednesday night red wine.
I am off to a games night at a random house in the city next Wednesday. I have looked on the Yahoo evite and there are about 30 of us going to some guy's house to play Scrabble, Cranium and Pictionary. Now to you lot at home this probably sounds a bit wanky, but it beats sitting in doors looking at 4 walls, and I am in a new environment. I have realised bars are not a good place to meet people. Unless vagrants, drop outs and bums are one's preffrable genre in pals. This will end up being a boozy night with hangover consequences, must try and remember this when the time comes. My train journey does not bode well with chunder stops and brief moments of outer body experiences. It is a 'Baby Bullet' so it doesn't stop for wimps.
Finally I have signed up for Spanish lessons. It is $15 for an hour and half, there is a group of 8 ish and it is in a house close to mine so won't be too much hassel for a Sunday night. Let's see if I can learn the language when I am paying for them! When I had them free at uni the learning was not as speedy as I imagined - Mind you I did have a lecture at a really silly time like 10am, far too early for the party mad jock that I was. Now with no physical activity obsession or commitments I feel it is time to find the time to educate and open my mind to the wonders of a second language. Plus being in Barcalona with Sarah in October made me want to join in with the conversations, so maybe I will learn fingers crossed.
Oh - forgot Beautifulpeople.com have a dinner meeting on Saturday, it is sushi in a place in the city voted the best looking wait staff in the Bay Area. Now talk about pretencious.
Jon Crooks if you are reading this you will be pissing your pants. I AM NOT PRETENCIOUS, honestly, just wanna check out the San Francisco BP members, nowt narcassistic about that is there? I will be updating and probably offending several in my mest blog. Which will be after the "Holidays" when I actually have summat to witter on about, as opposed to now where I am merely passing time untl my bus comes at 3.30.

Big Cocks it's Friday

CAPTIONS PLEASE...

SF Book Club

Here are a few of the lasses from the book club I joined. These gals sure are good for make-up tips!

Blind Date

Oh,
I forgot to mention earlier - I hooked up with a blind date off Craig's list (UK readers this is a mad web site if u r looking for anything - and I mean anything), thought I'd post u a pick!

Out Of Bed At Last

Shouldn't really complain about having to stay in bed for the past 48 hours, but since I was alone and coughing up what looked like the reminants of a coal miner's bath water I suppose I should be happy to finally be back in the swing of things again.
Can I just apologize for the previous post? There is supposed to be an attachment with some sort of personality test however it has not worked. I have no energy to do my usual spoilt brat routine and smash the keyboard around and tutt a lot while cursing about the lack of simplicity of the wondrous invention only a Silicon Valley techi could fathom. No no no, calm and collective just until I get 100% back on form, then the serious investigation and second download attempt may occur.
I must say since I have laid in bed for the past 2 days I completed my book group book The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, which was quite a good read considering I prefer true stories, biographies etc; and I have started my 1st Irving novel The Cider House Rules. This illness has made me get into the novel thing. Since I am writing one (will I ever get this off my list of things to do?) I suppose it's necessary research, but I am dying to read something on Howard Stern. Since I have been here I have been catching his last shows on Live 105. They have just had a guy on with a fetish for women throwing up over him. Howard made his dream come true and had three hot chicks in the studio trying to puke! It all ended with a bit of spit up, since these women were a size 0 I think they had only had coffee for breakfast hence the puking game lasted nearly all morning. I am pleased I had a bagel at 6am, which is well and truly digested by this time therefore no puking from this gal. I need to try and understand what happened in this guy's childhood to make him want to produce such drivel, and while I am at Barnes and Nobel I suppose I will find something about him - He seems to love himself a fair bit so they will probably be stocking his 4th re-run of his biography. I listened all morning though so maybe I am sick and twisted too!

Hope you like this picture, I had it taken on my 29th B/day - I thought I would download it or at least try - It could cheer me up too (since I have so many zits my face could be mistaken for the BART route; obviously due to the lack of cleansing routine over past 2 days).

Well, short but sweet - A bit like Graham Norton!

Laters.

Oh - I must briefly mention the 30somethings and the SFNewcomers group I have joined since I have lived in San Fran. I am looking forward to meeting you (except the weird ones of course), there is a drinky poohs this evening - If I can locate the panstick (to cover the zits) I will be there x

What I have Done Since I Have Had The Flu

This is a little test I did as I rose from my pit at 12.30 pm. I am in bed with the flu. I have slept for about 36 hours outta the past 48! I look like crap and I am feeling sorry for myself. Then I read my emails and came accross this test and blogged it - It seems pretty on the ball, but don't they all?

Aren't Baths Brilliant?

It has been so long since I have had the pleasure of living in a home with a bath, so you can imagine after 8 years of living in London I must be pretty smelly! Seriously what a pleasure it is to get home from work and soak in the deepest depths of my 'only in America' mahoosive new tub.
It is only after living here for three weeks and having taken the waters at least 6 times a week (the 7th is shower day) that I have truely begun to appreciate the relaxing quality of a right good soaking. There is the added bonus, which should be a fundamental aspect if you had lived with only a shower for so long, that you can sucessfully shave the necessary areas, without having to do an Evil Kanevil stunt agin the tiles.
I decided instead of doing the usual in and out in ten minutes routine that I was actually going to lay there and partake in a few relaxing techniques, which for me is stopping talking. So I floated (massive bath remember) there, and my body started to actually relax. Gosh, what a wonderful thing that is? To actually have 'me time' without it involving earplugs and a really good pillow. Re reading that line evokes serious connotations for which were, or are (reading back) certainly not intended.
I do not like bubbles in a bath, this factor I have known for some time now. I actually had a flash back yesterday as I was about to take a dip. I fell into the bath and skidded about like a duck on snot for what seemed like an eternity. This fiasco reminded me of my brother and I getting an emptied bath and skidding around with head injury consequences when we were kids. The bubbles stopped then. The odd candle is permissible but I never remember to take in a lighter. Magazines last about 2 seconds before they become at one with my own ocean (remember it is an 'All American' bath).
Finally the aftermath of the Bath, that actually deserves something a bit special;

THE AFTERMATH OF THE BATH.

Trader Joe's Cow Udder Cream

YES YOU HEARD IT GIRLS

It really is for cow's udders and we all know how smooth they are?

HONESTLY IT'S REALLY FANTASTIC

Hope you enjoy a lovely bath soon x

Dia de los Muertos - The Day of the dead

Last night I was in the Mission. Basically it was the night when this entire neighbourhood's Mexican community celebrated the traditional Aztec beliefs of death and after life.
The scene was similar to that of carnival in Salvador, Brazil. However the revelers were dowdily dressed in black with their faces painted to resemble skeletons. Flowers and silver charms were draped and sewn onto the costumes and there was a fair share of men on stilts, looking like something out of Poltergeist.

Unfortunately I have not purchased a new camera yet, even though I have been given permission to use my Step Dad's Pay Pall account (I don't think he realises that's like letting Paris Hilton loose with a Black Amex card!). So I have tried to download an image from a free service on Google. I will probably get my ass sued over copyright but it would be worth it as the image sums up the occasion. (you have to right click on the blank image and open that way!!!) - I have since tried to delete these pictures to no avail!)

I had a few con limon Coronas - well, when in Rome, and tried to get in to the party spirit. I did manage to upset an Aussie guy as I asked him how long it took him to stick his crooked nose on thus completing a rather fetching Dracula ensemble; "It's MY nose" was his reply. Whoops! He was my friend in the end so I managed to smooth it all away in my Harperistic manner. You know sometimes having big boobs really does come in handy!

My friend Angie from Glasgow has lived in the city forever, I have been mates with her since I was 19 years old. Her house is round the corner from the parade so I met her in the local boozer Treat Street. Apart from watching a 70 year old snort coke from her handbag at the bar it was your usual local really! There is so much potential for the crack (not to be confused with crack cocaine) however my sense of humour tends to fall on stoney ground. Mind you with Angie's laugh and me laughing at Angie's laugh we managed to keep the place bouyant all evening.

Completely off the rails here and I have got an A'level in English what is (sic), I am seeing this a lot lately - I suppose I could do a search, but thought you may like a little lunchtime entertainment.

Anyway, I was pleased to walk to the station this morning with a clear head because no matter how many shots of Tequilla were-a-flowing, I managed to restrain myself. The Coronas were as far as I would go in indulging in Dia de los Muertos - OK I am off now to research this tradition, me thinks swigging Mexican, but probably brewed in the Stated beer, is a little too far from the traditional Latino way. x

San Francisco

Ok - I know I have not written for a while. I am only here for a few seconds to dispel any unecessary rumors.

1) I AM NOT PREGNANT (nor do I have a sperm donor)

2) I AM IN SAN FRANCISCO UNTIL THE END OF JAN (at least)

3) I AM CARRYING MY OWN WEAPON OF MASS DISTRUCTION (a can of Mace)

4) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I HAVE NOT HAD A CIG (it must ba about 15 weeks now, like I care)

So please stop worrying and get ready for a few San Fran blogs, I am really busy getting my social life sorted and this does not involve hours of mindless chit chat on the net. However I do appreciate all of your concerns x

Ok wise bottoms. No back chat on any spellings. The spell check is broken and I am resorting to using a US version of the English dictionary. You have been warned, anything could happen. I have discovered that if a word ends in 'our' they drop the 'u' as in color.

Man With AA in Ear

Strange eh? Well al lot stranger when you see it for yourself. I saw a homeless guy with a battery protruding from his ear. Must not have been able to afford an i-Pod!

I am in San Francisco and it is Halloween. Hence why I am in side with no pumpkin clad door step to tempt any late night weirdos wanting to munch out on some candy! It is like Halloween in my neighbourhood everynight. In fact I have been told that only five blocks down the road lies the worse two streets in the city. I live in SoMa (South of Market) which is not the most attractive part of the city. However I am happy to finally be here. It does not seem like two minutes since I last braved these psycadellic Pacific parts because I will always consider it as my home.


I have settled into my appartment. I am sharing with an old friend Mike. Who amongst other things is an actor. So all weekend I have had the place to myself. It was the 1st weekend since I got here I have been able to go out and explore the city. I tell you something, I thought Keighley had its fair share of weirdos and social drop outs. If I gave a dollar to each person who asked me when I went our walking on Saturday morning I would have been taking my day's cash limit out twice over!


I have not had too much time to Blog - Soz, or call, soz, or be as socially graceful as always and just be there for my mates. However I am gonna try and concentrate on writing a decent chapter of a blog once a week. I am taking notes with my i-Pod dictaphone daily, I fit right in on the Muni busses - The only person who does not make a sound on this mode of transport are the drivers - Miserable buggers. No "Have a nice day" policy there then. In fact there is a sign behind the driver stating "No unnecessary talking" however it is OK to ask if the bus actually drops you off any where remotely close to your destination. Always a useful tool when new in a city. Mind you the language barriers cause some frustration here, my accent never cottoned on in London either!


There are loads of fantastically gorgeous looking men, who are all gay. So if you are gay I suggest you pack up your Brighton stripey deck chair and shake your money maker where the real flamboyant boys play. There does not seem to be any homophoebic tendancies here, and that is fantastic, but I am drawing the line at wearing a padded gillet just in case I get chatted up on the bus home! I only need to worry about such advances when I reach 40 , or so my San Franciscan girl friends tell me.


Since I have been in the city (a week yesterday), I have had Italian in North Beach (where I spotted the Mayor - (why is it that these guys in power seem to look like they just walked off a film set?); had the most gorgeous sushi in the Tenderloin; walked all my favourite neighbourhoods, seen the Golden Gate and Bay Bridges; strolled down Fisherman's Wharfe, cleaverly avoiding any camera weilding tourists or weirdos with dogs dressed as faries; and had a good old rummage at Ross Dress for Less (who do a great line in cheap bedding).

It is all good.

How is the dark ness of Autumn setting in at home? Anyone been conker picking yet?

Barcelona

Just to let you know I am having a ball in Spain - Well Cattalonia if I am being PC. I have been in Barcelona since Sunday evening and I am having a ball with my best mate Sarah who took residency here a few months ago.
I am single again and am not gonna be dating for a while - Just well, you know playing a little bit instead. Too hung over to write much at the moment, those Mojitos last night did not go down too well with this bout of cold I caught back in Blighty. I feel as rough as a badger´s bum.
Terragona is beautiful. Go if you ever get a chance. I drove up there the other day with Sarah´s boyfriend Jose and we had a lovely lunch and tour around the Roman ruins, there´s an ampitheatre and chariot track to walk around very picturesque especially since it is situated right on the Med.
No time to waffle on today - I will give you a low down of the trip upon my return. I am moving to San Francisco on the 17th of Oct, America be afraid, be very afraid!
Adios

Beautifulpeople.Com

Well, where do I start?
I am going to tell you about this rather self gratifying start to my week. I know it is Wednesday but for me, being a part timer in the work force of late, who cares what day it is? Today is my Monday for this week anyway.
I have recently been accepted on http://beautifulpeople.com/, I am not sure if I have created this link sucessfully I could surprise myself here. If you can not use the link you know what to do.... No not shove it up your bottom - Just search baby search. Ok back to the point.
This is a sort of dating service on line, not one like eharmony where you have to fill in an extensive questionnaire which eventually after four hours tells you your worse fears ie. you are not suited to anyone other than Charles Manson. Where you type in your intimate statistics and keep them under wraps for future reference until you decide ten emails between you and a complete psycomaniac is sufficient to let him know you a seniour citizen, bancrupt and had a failed sex change some 20 years ago. No no no. Beautiful People.Com lets it all hang out. There are no limits to what you can tell your perspective life time sole mate. Your income, weight (mind you, they are generous on that. Between 140 and 300lbs is the tick box - lotta scope don't ya think?), wether you live in a mansion, loft apartment, penthouse or project! (UK readers:project = worse than a council house). You do actually have a choice whether to disclose your earnings and the material aspects of your life, but with a web site called beautiful people don't you just know most will tell all? That is soley based on the fact that beautiful people entering a site namidly so are in fact vain.
I will stand up for some of us exclusive members because we are not all vein are we? What are we then?
The psychology of this concept is very mind stimulating. The main premis for you getting accepted on the site is that you are considered beautiful enough to get voted in by existing members. So you have to post a picture*. It is all very superficial, as the wonders of modern technology can probably super impose your face on to let's say J Lo's body.
A brief description of your unique selling points and your aims, goals and wants in life can be added to the profile (I just gave this blog address and then I know they are psycho if they continue communication!). Most men however tend to write that they are looking for that special someone in their life who will share all their sucess at being drop dead gorgeous and accompany them on their worldly travels. It is actually on the same wave length of the Miss World monalogue. You know the one - I wanna be happy, help sick kids and jet set around the globe. May be they should put WANTED VAIN BIATCH WHO WILL STROKE MY EGO AS MUCH AS I'LL STROKE HERS.
Maybe, just maybe I am being a little synical. I have after all been voted in and am just sorry for you ugly people who don't have a cat in hell's chance of becoming a member. No seriously, I am interested in this internet chat/communication senario. Even us beautiful people are to busy or self obsessed to trapes through endless pubs and clubs to find that Mr Right. And in this quest why not just elliminate all the pig ugly fuckers! ;)


*Please note a cleavage shot eventually got me voted in - My full length beach body shot did not, however I am half woman half horse after all!)

I Crave to Rave

I still need a cig - Just in case anyone in cyper space gives a shite. I will not give in. The next best thing is a cup of tea - Off to put the kettle on x

No Smoke Without Fire

It has been 8 weeks exactly since I gave up smoking...
It is hellish...
I want a cig NOW...
It is all I think about for hours on end...
Why is it so hard?
Why do I want to eat anything containing over 10g of fat?
Crave a carrot for fucks sake...
Just bought a size 14 pear of jeans.
My life is over.
I wish could just have one cig and it all be ok - Back to 8 weeks of not having one, but I know the dreaded weed will recapture my life.
It is bad enough being fat, not having a cig but to get a big fat red zit on the chin - You just don't need it, never gonna want it, cann't help but squeeze it.
Thank the Aussies for tea Tree oil, what would we do without it.
Am I bored and fed up or what?
No - I JUST WANT A BLOODY CIGARETTE
My unborn, unconcieved child you are so fortunate to have such a caring mother.
(please excuse any typos or spelling errors - You know how conciencious I am, my spell check has failed to work. I may now have to launch the computer out of the nearest window - lack of niccotine will be the cause)

A Girls Night out in Leeds (check Richie in the back)

Yippe - Finally worked this out now, it has only taken a year but since I have been out of work the past few weeks I have finally had the time and inclination to figure the posting of pictures and adding text at the same time. Can I just say thanks to (in order on picture), Leanne, Kathryn Sutcliffe (nee Knight), Kathryn Brant and Nicky Watson for coming out in Leeds on Sat - I had a wicked time girls - Even though I allowed a husband and a boyfriend to attend we still managed to pull of a girlie suaree.
Richard thanks for puking in da club - It meant I could get a decent night's kip at your house without fearing for my best mate , your lovely wife having to clear up after you all night.
Finally figured out why Leanne never seems to get hammered - 'Cause she is tending to your near death experiences such as vomit and choke and die.
Look at Leanne holding me back so I do not fall into the road! Just noticed that. She is a darling.

The Two Kats n Me

Can you Adam and Eve it?

To all you transatlantic Bloggers the title of this means "Can you believe it" (Cockney rhyming slang). I am not gonna let you find out what it is you are supposed to believe until I have the answer - All will be revealed - Actually I think this top is revealing enough don't you?
Sorry if I am being weird PMT is probably the rational explanation but it will all become clearer in a few days xx

Dermalogica Facial

Hello - I know I have to finish the Debagging post - However the story ends with me unexpectedly exposing my pants to a gang of twenty 15 year olds - So I am sure none of you are interested!
There are more important issues to blog on about today and I must say I feel that I have missed years of blissful gorgeousness by means of facials just by not having the savvy to go and get one.
It is not hard - It was however a special 20% off offer at my local hair salon Aphrodite (pronounce like "Miss Dynamiteee" for full effect) which lured me onto the beauticians couch. That, paired with four, yes four zits on my chin; which is four more than I have ever had the pleasure of wearing in my life, is what made me rush along the high street and book my self in.
I must say my friend Sarah has mentioned these extravagance before but did not exaggerate the fact that they were an essential part of a ladies life at our age. I will be reprimanding her for not handcuffing me to her fake Prada handbag and dragging me down to her old local spa haunt Harvey Nicks. All I kept thinking of was calling my mother and demanding she had one NOW, bless her I have inherited the constant face muscle tension from her and feel that it would decelerate the aging process if she immediately dropped everything (like feeding her 20 odd cats) and get into the city to have a facial MOT.
How refreshing it was to be massaged - face neck and collar bones, the latter region stirred up some sexual tension however, and I was already planning my next move... Bag a guy who has beautician qualifications. Foreplay would never be the same again, mind you I am off to San Fran for 3 months, maybe there will be plenty of guys with such attributes on their CV's; however, to find one who ticks the hetrosexual box too could prove difficult.
I was laying down with my shirt off, bra straps to the sides and hair wrapped up in some sort of bandanna and the fun began. A simple cleansing, scrubbing, massage then scrubbing, essential oils, lemon grass if I am not mistaken and massage. The finale was a slapping on of thick gooey moisturiser on the face and some lighter but equally stickey stuff on the eyes, massage then I was left to relax for about 10 mins.
This was the hard bit. I find if very difficult to relax as I am a bit hyper to say the least. Thoughts that came flashing in front of my moisture laden eyes were, get the sofa for sale add up in the PO, what exactly could I make for dinner using an aubergine? And how many cats exactly does my mother have? By the time all these thoughts had cumulated into a big blob of blue light gyrating in front of my eyes, there was a big light and "right that will be £30 please".
So there you have it £30 worth it I must say, but I still have no idea what to do with a aubergineen? Any suggestions please send a stamped addressed postcard.

Crash - The Movie

Just so you know...
Crash the Movie is really quite thought provoking. I went to see it on Sat and my Toy Boy fell asleep, which meant I could watch the whole thing undisturbed!! I did not even finish my pop corn I was so engrossed.

De Bagged

Hello my friends...
despite the fact a nasty virus has wiped my hard drive which means I have lost the 10k words of my book forever and in doing so have learned the valuable lesson of saving stuff to disk - just in case a nasty virus coughs up all over your hard drive; I am in my local library Blogging away.
I have been bypassing this place for a few weeks as I recently learned one can re new books via the phone and the kids are still on holiday. This is the longest 6 week holiday I have experienced, maybe since I have had a fair bit of time on my hands I am taking such unnecessary observations to the brink surely these poor little buggers deserve a month and a half maybe more to bug the pants off their parents, childminders or unsuspecting members of the Council Tax paying public.
Which brings me on nicely to my main reason for my bitter ranting today.
It was going to be a fantastic red wine fueled Friday with my dear friend Victoria, and it was. That was until the wine, vodka, peach schnapps and any thing else I had festering away under the kitchen sink which was slightly alcoholic (mind you I did draw the line at the Toilet Duck)was necked. Once the stark realisation of the lack of alcohol lingered long enough to render us sober enough to brave the 24 hour garage we decided that we needed milk, as the only other form of liquid stimulation which was left was coffee. As usual I had no milk so the trip was scheduled and our military style operation 'Garage-a-Thon' was penciled in.
You may think that there is no planning required for such a short walk at midnight to the top of my road. However due the vast amount of alcohol consumption the fact I had been gardening all day and was in dire need of a shower some sort of order was required. I quickly showered and donned the comfortable option of Adidas trackie bottoms, pink hooded top and a beanie. It goes without saying that my Birkenstock sandals were on the plates (of meat = feet((Cockney Rhyming Slang)).
We were off. I was slightly concerned I had wet hair but thought the beanie would curtail any of the old wife's tale of 'catching your death' of coming true.
A quick game of knock a door run, or knock down Ginger was proposed by Victoria, but I reminded her of my age and even though she is slightly younger at 25 advised her that it probably was not a great idea to start instigating some enraged household with a view to having to leg it - Birkenstocks are not the preferred running shoe, as I discovered in Rio (see blog entry http://frombarnsleytobrazil.blogspot.com/2005/01/what-shenanigan.html - Please note this is my best mate's blog site - I went to Brazil with her this year and she tells the tale of the night we had to leg it from some very angry bar men - while wearing Birkenstocks).....
Sorry for this break I have run out of time on this PC but will reveal all tomorrow - Literally as you will soon discover!!
Jo x

Handed Notice In

Hello, just handed my notice in at my Landscape maintenance job. A move I have been thinking about since I put the house up for sale.
I am hopefully signing the contract with the buyer at the end of this month. After 2 years of landscaping on my own, taking briefs, designing and building, my most recent job was nothing short of a street cleaner's position. Not that there is anything wrong with a street cleaner, they provide such a valid service to the community, something I will appreciate from now on. It is amazing how much litter people do chuck aimlessly out of their cars and pockets as they spare no thought for the high vis.(bright yellow waistcoats) clad council workers not to mention Landscape maintenance Foremen who have to use one of those grabber sticks my nan used to use to retreave a Kleenex from the coffee table, to get the offending items safely in to a bin liner.
I am off on my travels back to San Francisco. My mother's home is there and I am planning to take a 12 week trip back there for a gander at potential job prospects, investment and who knows what else? Well, actually I know. I am searching for a gay male friend. Someone who can help me on my small quests to find the US equivalent to Boots and a decent beer. After traveling to the gayest city in the world since I was 15 it is about time I got my self a gay friend. I feel every girl should have one. There will be some plus points and also undoubtedly negatives. Exactly what these are will remain a mystery until I have conquered my quest for a queer.
I am still planning to release a book and feel that life is for living and it is all merely research for the book we all have inside us somewhere. It has taken me a year to come up with a concept and a title. Now I have these it is party time until my research is complete and my womb starts to scream "the clock is ticking biatch". Only then may I settle down and push out a few sprogs.
I am trying to get a new picture on my profile as the one I have is a bit old now - Since I have been a none smoker for 22 days!! Update on this fact is I am now 7lbs heavier. Never mind, the toy boy sexercise sessions will soon put pay to that slight increase.

Get a Toy Boy

I thoroughly recommend acquiring a man a few years younger than ones self. Since I managed to pull one using the Byonce Knowles ass-wiggle in da club a few weeks ago I have made many life changing alterations to my mundane existence in London post bombings.

I HAVE FINALLY GIVEN UP SMOKING; having a fag after sex usually meant lighting up at the end - But when sex actually goes on longer than 6 minutes I think it is a bit inconsiderate to keep lighting up in between thrusts.

I AM COMFORTABLE NOT WEARING ANY MAKE UP; this is due to the complements I have received from my new beau regarding how youthful I looked when getting out of the shower. I guess what he meant was that without foundation (well tinted moisturiser - this is the noughties) the creases near the eye, mouth and forehead area aren't quite so obvious.

I HAVE BEEN TO THE GYM...TWICE IN 2 DAYS*!; this is probably because he is a 6 pack wearing Adonis type male of the PE teacher variety.

I CAN SWIM 40 LENGTHS IN A REAL POOL WITHOUT RESPITORY AID; perhaps a result of my first point.

I PURCHASED A NEW PLATINUM RAMPANT RABBIT; well, we couldn't let him see the old past its sell by date original version. Same principle of dashing out to TK Maxx and purchasing shed loads of new French designer knickers

Any negatives? Well duuuuuggggghhhh - he is 4 years and 8 months my junior, and that aint gonna change EVER!

*this has not happened since I graduated with a Sports Science degree in 1997!

Bridget Jones a Reality

I used to laugh out loud at the old bat Miss Jones, Bridget and the original one from Rising Damp. Now I am nearing 31 and I am beginning to realise that to snigger at a poor woman's inadequacies at getting along in life with or without a mate is not on. I would only be laughing at some of my girl friends. Drinking a bottle of red or two on a Monday night could only be stuff of the movies I pressumed, but it is so true these days, and it is not even winter.
It is such a bummer our clock ticks as quick as the egg timers sand when you are trying to put a load in the wash, rinse the dishes, cut the bread and sweep the laminate flooring all before one manages to even open the egg box. Sometimes I think it would be so easy to be a middle aged divorced man wit a gold digger pleasuring him on a weekly basis.
This is why we get a dog.

Life After Nearly Getting Wed

I have not been arsed to Blog since Easter, and after reading my old posts today I decided it was probably time to come clean about the reason I started Blogging in the first place. I am not usually so mysterious as I have many friends with whom I blab on to about my mental life.
I feel it is time to blog the real me. I have been on a mad journey since last October, when I finally broke away from my Ex-Fiance. I was due to be wed on Dec 28th 2004 and cancelled the big day last June.
So with over a year having passed by with such speed I can finally reflect on the ups and ups and downs I have experienced since I made the decision to change the course of my life.
I have stopped my 3 a day splif smoking habit. I realised that I could not obtain any illegal substances while on the South American trip and saw this as a perfect opportunity to shut the door on my student days and days of hiding behind a big cloud of smoke. So far so good. I can see clearly now. I realised that due to my stoner status I was ignoring and not quite grasping the reality which was my unsuitable relationship with my fiance and at the same time immaturely hanging on to my student image. Grow up woman, you graduated in 1997!
Stopping smoking the green stuff also made me realise I was addicted to nicotine;as it is obligatory to mix the green with the tobacco my dependence on Marlboro Lights alarmingly increased from 6 a day to over 20 a day while on my travels.
I can now happily say I am trying my hardest to quit the cigs. It will be 2 weeks on Monday since I let the dreaded weed past my lips and with all my new found strength and willpower I feel this habit may have been cracked too.
My final habit which took so long to crack was my 5 year relationship. I have no malice to convey and wish him luck. It is so difficult to realise your fairytale will disperse into a nightmare unless you have the strength to give up the ghost.
Many months have been spent deliberating, hours rationalising, reasoning and regurgitating over the phone with him and to my dear friends. Emails are not the easiest way to communicate with someone when you are dealing with such sensitive matters, especially when one is in England and the other is in S America.
It took some doing but he is out of my life. I would love to be friends but that will never work, so we said our final goodbyes and can try and get on with our lives.
I am still writing my book and have a title and a structure. The structural element was really hard to think up and this alone took me 8 months. Let's hope I can fill in some of my old stoner time with my writings, anything is better than an ashtray full of roaches, a life living with a roach and a future with no hope.
XX