Turkey Trauma

Beauty

I saw the most amaizing multi stemmed English Silver Birch this morning. It looked spooky sat in the middle of a garden full of evergreens. This tree was so elegant and was appealing to me because this morning, just as a tinge of homesickness kicked in the tree reminded of home. The Sceptered Isle.

I have never noticed autumn here before. But this year I have admired the flame red and vibrant oranges of the Liquid Amber in particular. There aren't tree-lined streets littered with fallen leaves here. You know the ones you used to run through on the way to school, or bend down and rumage through looking for any hidden conkers? This is because there is an army of guys with blowers, ready to eliminate any leaf that dare make a mess.

It made me smile just to see the morning sun glistening through the bare branches of the lone Birch. Ideally a black squirrel would have given me a bit of extra entertainment, not that I needed it. The beautiful branches reaching out to the sky made me smile because after spending all week in the throngs of stressed out shoppers this was an experience which would not leave me tired, bad tempered and broke.

Christmas Shopping. Again!

Why did I call my step dad and ask if he needed anything from Macey's?
I have now only 5 more pressys to buy. For five lads between 15 and 27 years old. So a trip to the city centre tomorrow night after work will mean fighting my way through yet another throng of shopping crazed folk. San Francisco is mental right now.
Usually one can stroll around the big department stores with not a care in the world. The occasional make up clad lady will approach you with a stick of paper smelling of the latest movie star's perfume. You can freely browse the rails of clothes, seeing if they fit by holding it up under your chin while looking in the mirror. The cafe is the busiest place in there. They do a wicked bread bowl with soup of the day, and always chowder and tomatoe.
But tonight it was a different story. Macey's shop floor was a free for all, full throttle, maxed out battle field. The make up glad, immaculatley dressed boys from the cosmetics department were hauling themselves at you like a misfired cruise missile. Dodging these f***ers was a chore in itself. And becoming a chore is what Christmas shopping was for me this evening. The drizzle did not help.
I was however pleased with my choice of venue for dinner. Sear's. I had fish and chips. Lovely. The chips were french fries or freedom fries as they liked to say when France chickened out of the war effort. There was enough as always to take in a kitty bag. Fat Cat and retardo now love their new mummy!
This was written last night - Now I am publishing it I may as well be walking over burning coals then jumping into a vat of acid. Yeah folks you have guessed - I am back shopping tonight. The only difference tonight is that it is torrential rain as opposed. A list of gifts will be written tonight, just so you know which shops to avoid!
Late x
P.S.Who ever said cut and paste a word doc once spell checked it talking outta their ass (CJ) it does not work.
P.P.S. Please read my Beautiful post just so you can reinforce your views of me. I have been a bit grumpy of late. Soz.

Morning Ride x 3 Don't Ask!

Pants

the sun rise pics r really ok. However some malfunction in the photo department means one's bolloxed it up once again.

Sun Rise This Morning

San Francisco Union Square Pictures

Just a few snaps I took when I was Christmas shopping last week. I love strolling about this square and always am drawn to it when I am out and about in the city.

Happy Crimble

Where is the spell check these days? Apologies and who ever sent that anon post re my spelling - some are unintentional, mere typos so sod off. Although I must admit I have a problem with double letters in a word.

Ho Ho Hooooooooooooooooooooooo
Harper is back...

Still an on going prob within the fam but I am sure it will either become livable or just dissapear into oblivion.
I am home alone, my room mate has gone to sunnier climes for Xmas to visit his family in Florida. Lucky sod, 'cause right now it has been gale force-winding-it and peeing it down for two days. Shame because I had a date this weekend and we had to spend a lot of time indoors! I did however manage a scenic drive through the redwood trees, passing Xmas tree farms and vineyards. Winding our way to Highway 1 and the Pacific. The fog was pretty bad but he got the jist - You know breathtaking cliffs, crashing waves including the Maveriks which is the biggest wave on record. It comes but once a year like Santa and the surfer dudes are all camping out in Princeton-By-The-Sea waiting for the ride of their lives.
Friends, country men and country men in foreign parts Happy Christmas to you and yours. May the season be filled with many happy times and may Santa bring you something you actually want instead of another electric razor or pair of gloves. Just in case anyone is feeling generous - especially my English friends a big box of t-bags would go down a treat. Right now I am on with 'Sleepy Time' bags from a health food shop (no I did not purchase them!) and I may as well neck a full bottle of Night Nurse (Nyquil) as that is the effect one gets. I set my alarm for PM the other day, it's a good job that the dustbin men come down my street at least 3 x a day or I would have been asleep 'till tea time!
Anyway I thought I would let you know I am cool and very pleased with the weekends goings ons. I am just waiting for mum to call me from Union Square so I can meet up and finish of the last minute bits n bobs.
Thanks for the cards - slowly they are getting here. I am like a big kid (well, not that big as the weight I put on from stopping smoking is slowly coming off) when I get home from work. I have been guessing the number of cards in the 'mail' box with Mike - Who was beating me by miles until this weekend. Nitzy, Sarah (nee Day) and Jules thanks.
OK off to get rid of this French manicure I have been scraping off for the past 1/2 hour.
Late.
X

The Shit Has Hit The Fan

You may not know or even care to know what this phrase means - Or in fact what it means in this instance. All I can say is there is something going on right now that affects my ability to blog. There is a matter that requires urgent attention from all family members involved and unfortunately I am other wise disposed trying to help someone in great need.
x

Quick Update

Just a quickie update on the Thanksgiving Holidays.

Thought I would use the spare 30 mins I have to let you know what I have been up to during the past week. May I appolgise to my friends first though, I am so rubbish at emailing you but do miss you all terribly. My Chrissy card list is being ticked so expect something in real ink through the post soon.

Thanksgiving Thursday last week.
Went to Angie's for a Scottish vegi food-a-thon. Got very merry and ended up at Treat Street bar in the Mission.

Friday.
Shopping for Uggs knee length lace up boots and various pressys for moi. Nice new heels (although not apreciated by all who saw them), jumpers for the winter etc.
Then met up with my roomie Mike and his mate, now officially my mate Blair, from NZ, and hopped a few bars up Haight Street. Back to ours, looked at the dominoes and went to bed.

Saturday.
Baker's Beach SF, with Freida the Mike's dog. Oh I will have to buy a camera asap, I need to be posting pics NOW. The dog is gorge' and the beach spectacular, shame you can not see them. Soon my dears, soon.
Sat night I went to Fisherman's Wharfe and met a new friend for cocktails and stuff. All very relaxing.

Sunday.
Sightseeing on Wharfe. Sealions etc.
Then I missed my 1st Spanish lesson, nightmare. So did Mike, bummer.

Monday.
Work and stayed at mum's.

Tuesday.
Same as Monday.

Wednesday NOW.
Just off for dinner round the corner at my mate's Teresa's. Better go gonna be late.

X

Sun Set San Gregorio Beach California USA

Hi, just a taster of the sort of gorgeousness I encounter on a daily basis. This was taken last Autumn actually on the beach closest to my mum's house. The weather is very wet in this part of the world today, so I thought I would cheer myself up, plus my step dad is out in that huge chunk of ocean right now. Crab fishing. He has had 2 hours sleep in 48 hours, I bet he is not looking in to the horizon with such rose tinted glasses.

Thanksgiving

Hello Peeps,
Just passing time at work, it is Thanksgiving tomorrow and I have Thursday and Friday off! It is like the day before you break up for Xmas in the UK. Everyone is the holiday spirit. I even had an eggnog latte yesterday, and wish I'd never bothered - It tasted really boozy - reminded me of the end of a heavy Saturday night squeezing a few Bailey's coffees in just because it seems like the right tipple at 1.20am. Please do not try this at home. I have to try the gingerbread one next - just for comparrison, I will let you know about the taste outcome.
Last night was a mad one, I went to the Filmore in the city to see a band called She Wants Revenge. Unfortunately we, mum, Mike and myself thought that there would be loads of tickets, and there wasn't. So we people watched for a bit outside the venue, I actually saw some girls dressed up. That is a first in the city. The fashion here is however a few months behind London. Which is an improvement on the previous years when I have been making observations. It's all the 3/4 length shorts and Victoriana blouses. Oh, that reminds me Uggs have brought out a new boot - check them out on their website, they have laces and look really warm. I can feel an investment coming on. How do they fair in the snow?
The snow is coming too. Lake Taho is gonna have to be visited this season. I have not been on the slopes since about '98 so please wish me luck, especially considering lack of medical insurance (note to me. Please sort this out). I want to learn how to snow board, so I guess I will have to hire all the stuff, just in case there's one sport I cannot quite master and I have to give it up as a bad job! Anyone off up Taho reading this - I would love to be involved.
Time to tell you about the clubs and groups I have joined in my 1st month in this strange and tantilising city. I have joined a book club, which apparently concentrates on a series of q's and a's regaring one's sex life, so that should take all of 2 mins! I missed my 1st session with the girlies as I was sick, I must find out what the next read is and try and get in the necessary reading more than 6 hours before the meeting - The book is irrelivant from what I have heard, so I should concentrate my efforts on seeking out a good Wednesday night red wine.
I am off to a games night at a random house in the city next Wednesday. I have looked on the Yahoo evite and there are about 30 of us going to some guy's house to play Scrabble, Cranium and Pictionary. Now to you lot at home this probably sounds a bit wanky, but it beats sitting in doors looking at 4 walls, and I am in a new environment. I have realised bars are not a good place to meet people. Unless vagrants, drop outs and bums are one's preffrable genre in pals. This will end up being a boozy night with hangover consequences, must try and remember this when the time comes. My train journey does not bode well with chunder stops and brief moments of outer body experiences. It is a 'Baby Bullet' so it doesn't stop for wimps.
Finally I have signed up for Spanish lessons. It is $15 for an hour and half, there is a group of 8 ish and it is in a house close to mine so won't be too much hassel for a Sunday night. Let's see if I can learn the language when I am paying for them! When I had them free at uni the learning was not as speedy as I imagined - Mind you I did have a lecture at a really silly time like 10am, far too early for the party mad jock that I was. Now with no physical activity obsession or commitments I feel it is time to find the time to educate and open my mind to the wonders of a second language. Plus being in Barcalona with Sarah in October made me want to join in with the conversations, so maybe I will learn fingers crossed.
Oh - forgot Beautifulpeople.com have a dinner meeting on Saturday, it is sushi in a place in the city voted the best looking wait staff in the Bay Area. Now talk about pretencious.
Jon Crooks if you are reading this you will be pissing your pants. I AM NOT PRETENCIOUS, honestly, just wanna check out the San Francisco BP members, nowt narcassistic about that is there? I will be updating and probably offending several in my mest blog. Which will be after the "Holidays" when I actually have summat to witter on about, as opposed to now where I am merely passing time untl my bus comes at 3.30.

Big Cocks it's Friday

CAPTIONS PLEASE...

SF Book Club

Here are a few of the lasses from the book club I joined. These gals sure are good for make-up tips!

Blind Date

Oh,
I forgot to mention earlier - I hooked up with a blind date off Craig's list (UK readers this is a mad web site if u r looking for anything - and I mean anything), thought I'd post u a pick!

Out Of Bed At Last

Shouldn't really complain about having to stay in bed for the past 48 hours, but since I was alone and coughing up what looked like the reminants of a coal miner's bath water I suppose I should be happy to finally be back in the swing of things again.
Can I just apologize for the previous post? There is supposed to be an attachment with some sort of personality test however it has not worked. I have no energy to do my usual spoilt brat routine and smash the keyboard around and tutt a lot while cursing about the lack of simplicity of the wondrous invention only a Silicon Valley techi could fathom. No no no, calm and collective just until I get 100% back on form, then the serious investigation and second download attempt may occur.
I must say since I have laid in bed for the past 2 days I completed my book group book The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, which was quite a good read considering I prefer true stories, biographies etc; and I have started my 1st Irving novel The Cider House Rules. This illness has made me get into the novel thing. Since I am writing one (will I ever get this off my list of things to do?) I suppose it's necessary research, but I am dying to read something on Howard Stern. Since I have been here I have been catching his last shows on Live 105. They have just had a guy on with a fetish for women throwing up over him. Howard made his dream come true and had three hot chicks in the studio trying to puke! It all ended with a bit of spit up, since these women were a size 0 I think they had only had coffee for breakfast hence the puking game lasted nearly all morning. I am pleased I had a bagel at 6am, which is well and truly digested by this time therefore no puking from this gal. I need to try and understand what happened in this guy's childhood to make him want to produce such drivel, and while I am at Barnes and Nobel I suppose I will find something about him - He seems to love himself a fair bit so they will probably be stocking his 4th re-run of his biography. I listened all morning though so maybe I am sick and twisted too!

Hope you like this picture, I had it taken on my 29th B/day - I thought I would download it or at least try - It could cheer me up too (since I have so many zits my face could be mistaken for the BART route; obviously due to the lack of cleansing routine over past 2 days).

Well, short but sweet - A bit like Graham Norton!

Laters.

Oh - I must briefly mention the 30somethings and the SFNewcomers group I have joined since I have lived in San Fran. I am looking forward to meeting you (except the weird ones of course), there is a drinky poohs this evening - If I can locate the panstick (to cover the zits) I will be there x

What I have Done Since I Have Had The Flu

This is a little test I did as I rose from my pit at 12.30 pm. I am in bed with the flu. I have slept for about 36 hours outta the past 48! I look like crap and I am feeling sorry for myself. Then I read my emails and came accross this test and blogged it - It seems pretty on the ball, but don't they all?

Aren't Baths Brilliant?

It has been so long since I have had the pleasure of living in a home with a bath, so you can imagine after 8 years of living in London I must be pretty smelly! Seriously what a pleasure it is to get home from work and soak in the deepest depths of my 'only in America' mahoosive new tub.
It is only after living here for three weeks and having taken the waters at least 6 times a week (the 7th is shower day) that I have truely begun to appreciate the relaxing quality of a right good soaking. There is the added bonus, which should be a fundamental aspect if you had lived with only a shower for so long, that you can sucessfully shave the necessary areas, without having to do an Evil Kanevil stunt agin the tiles.
I decided instead of doing the usual in and out in ten minutes routine that I was actually going to lay there and partake in a few relaxing techniques, which for me is stopping talking. So I floated (massive bath remember) there, and my body started to actually relax. Gosh, what a wonderful thing that is? To actually have 'me time' without it involving earplugs and a really good pillow. Re reading that line evokes serious connotations for which were, or are (reading back) certainly not intended.
I do not like bubbles in a bath, this factor I have known for some time now. I actually had a flash back yesterday as I was about to take a dip. I fell into the bath and skidded about like a duck on snot for what seemed like an eternity. This fiasco reminded me of my brother and I getting an emptied bath and skidding around with head injury consequences when we were kids. The bubbles stopped then. The odd candle is permissible but I never remember to take in a lighter. Magazines last about 2 seconds before they become at one with my own ocean (remember it is an 'All American' bath).
Finally the aftermath of the Bath, that actually deserves something a bit special;

THE AFTERMATH OF THE BATH.

Trader Joe's Cow Udder Cream

YES YOU HEARD IT GIRLS

It really is for cow's udders and we all know how smooth they are?

HONESTLY IT'S REALLY FANTASTIC

Hope you enjoy a lovely bath soon x

Dia de los Muertos - The Day of the dead

Last night I was in the Mission. Basically it was the night when this entire neighbourhood's Mexican community celebrated the traditional Aztec beliefs of death and after life.
The scene was similar to that of carnival in Salvador, Brazil. However the revelers were dowdily dressed in black with their faces painted to resemble skeletons. Flowers and silver charms were draped and sewn onto the costumes and there was a fair share of men on stilts, looking like something out of Poltergeist.

Unfortunately I have not purchased a new camera yet, even though I have been given permission to use my Step Dad's Pay Pall account (I don't think he realises that's like letting Paris Hilton loose with a Black Amex card!). So I have tried to download an image from a free service on Google. I will probably get my ass sued over copyright but it would be worth it as the image sums up the occasion. (you have to right click on the blank image and open that way!!!) - I have since tried to delete these pictures to no avail!)

I had a few con limon Coronas - well, when in Rome, and tried to get in to the party spirit. I did manage to upset an Aussie guy as I asked him how long it took him to stick his crooked nose on thus completing a rather fetching Dracula ensemble; "It's MY nose" was his reply. Whoops! He was my friend in the end so I managed to smooth it all away in my Harperistic manner. You know sometimes having big boobs really does come in handy!

My friend Angie from Glasgow has lived in the city forever, I have been mates with her since I was 19 years old. Her house is round the corner from the parade so I met her in the local boozer Treat Street. Apart from watching a 70 year old snort coke from her handbag at the bar it was your usual local really! There is so much potential for the crack (not to be confused with crack cocaine) however my sense of humour tends to fall on stoney ground. Mind you with Angie's laugh and me laughing at Angie's laugh we managed to keep the place bouyant all evening.

Completely off the rails here and I have got an A'level in English what is (sic), I am seeing this a lot lately - I suppose I could do a search, but thought you may like a little lunchtime entertainment.

Anyway, I was pleased to walk to the station this morning with a clear head because no matter how many shots of Tequilla were-a-flowing, I managed to restrain myself. The Coronas were as far as I would go in indulging in Dia de los Muertos - OK I am off now to research this tradition, me thinks swigging Mexican, but probably brewed in the Stated beer, is a little too far from the traditional Latino way. x

San Francisco

Ok - I know I have not written for a while. I am only here for a few seconds to dispel any unecessary rumors.

1) I AM NOT PREGNANT (nor do I have a sperm donor)

2) I AM IN SAN FRANCISCO UNTIL THE END OF JAN (at least)

3) I AM CARRYING MY OWN WEAPON OF MASS DISTRUCTION (a can of Mace)

4) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I HAVE NOT HAD A CIG (it must ba about 15 weeks now, like I care)

So please stop worrying and get ready for a few San Fran blogs, I am really busy getting my social life sorted and this does not involve hours of mindless chit chat on the net. However I do appreciate all of your concerns x

Ok wise bottoms. No back chat on any spellings. The spell check is broken and I am resorting to using a US version of the English dictionary. You have been warned, anything could happen. I have discovered that if a word ends in 'our' they drop the 'u' as in color.

Man With AA in Ear

Strange eh? Well al lot stranger when you see it for yourself. I saw a homeless guy with a battery protruding from his ear. Must not have been able to afford an i-Pod!

I am in San Francisco and it is Halloween. Hence why I am in side with no pumpkin clad door step to tempt any late night weirdos wanting to munch out on some candy! It is like Halloween in my neighbourhood everynight. In fact I have been told that only five blocks down the road lies the worse two streets in the city. I live in SoMa (South of Market) which is not the most attractive part of the city. However I am happy to finally be here. It does not seem like two minutes since I last braved these psycadellic Pacific parts because I will always consider it as my home.


I have settled into my appartment. I am sharing with an old friend Mike. Who amongst other things is an actor. So all weekend I have had the place to myself. It was the 1st weekend since I got here I have been able to go out and explore the city. I tell you something, I thought Keighley had its fair share of weirdos and social drop outs. If I gave a dollar to each person who asked me when I went our walking on Saturday morning I would have been taking my day's cash limit out twice over!


I have not had too much time to Blog - Soz, or call, soz, or be as socially graceful as always and just be there for my mates. However I am gonna try and concentrate on writing a decent chapter of a blog once a week. I am taking notes with my i-Pod dictaphone daily, I fit right in on the Muni busses - The only person who does not make a sound on this mode of transport are the drivers - Miserable buggers. No "Have a nice day" policy there then. In fact there is a sign behind the driver stating "No unnecessary talking" however it is OK to ask if the bus actually drops you off any where remotely close to your destination. Always a useful tool when new in a city. Mind you the language barriers cause some frustration here, my accent never cottoned on in London either!


There are loads of fantastically gorgeous looking men, who are all gay. So if you are gay I suggest you pack up your Brighton stripey deck chair and shake your money maker where the real flamboyant boys play. There does not seem to be any homophoebic tendancies here, and that is fantastic, but I am drawing the line at wearing a padded gillet just in case I get chatted up on the bus home! I only need to worry about such advances when I reach 40 , or so my San Franciscan girl friends tell me.


Since I have been in the city (a week yesterday), I have had Italian in North Beach (where I spotted the Mayor - (why is it that these guys in power seem to look like they just walked off a film set?); had the most gorgeous sushi in the Tenderloin; walked all my favourite neighbourhoods, seen the Golden Gate and Bay Bridges; strolled down Fisherman's Wharfe, cleaverly avoiding any camera weilding tourists or weirdos with dogs dressed as faries; and had a good old rummage at Ross Dress for Less (who do a great line in cheap bedding).

It is all good.

How is the dark ness of Autumn setting in at home? Anyone been conker picking yet?

Barcelona

Just to let you know I am having a ball in Spain - Well Cattalonia if I am being PC. I have been in Barcelona since Sunday evening and I am having a ball with my best mate Sarah who took residency here a few months ago.
I am single again and am not gonna be dating for a while - Just well, you know playing a little bit instead. Too hung over to write much at the moment, those Mojitos last night did not go down too well with this bout of cold I caught back in Blighty. I feel as rough as a badger´s bum.
Terragona is beautiful. Go if you ever get a chance. I drove up there the other day with Sarah´s boyfriend Jose and we had a lovely lunch and tour around the Roman ruins, there´s an ampitheatre and chariot track to walk around very picturesque especially since it is situated right on the Med.
No time to waffle on today - I will give you a low down of the trip upon my return. I am moving to San Francisco on the 17th of Oct, America be afraid, be very afraid!
Adios

Beautifulpeople.Com

Well, where do I start?
I am going to tell you about this rather self gratifying start to my week. I know it is Wednesday but for me, being a part timer in the work force of late, who cares what day it is? Today is my Monday for this week anyway.
I have recently been accepted on http://beautifulpeople.com/, I am not sure if I have created this link sucessfully I could surprise myself here. If you can not use the link you know what to do.... No not shove it up your bottom - Just search baby search. Ok back to the point.
This is a sort of dating service on line, not one like eharmony where you have to fill in an extensive questionnaire which eventually after four hours tells you your worse fears ie. you are not suited to anyone other than Charles Manson. Where you type in your intimate statistics and keep them under wraps for future reference until you decide ten emails between you and a complete psycomaniac is sufficient to let him know you a seniour citizen, bancrupt and had a failed sex change some 20 years ago. No no no. Beautiful People.Com lets it all hang out. There are no limits to what you can tell your perspective life time sole mate. Your income, weight (mind you, they are generous on that. Between 140 and 300lbs is the tick box - lotta scope don't ya think?), wether you live in a mansion, loft apartment, penthouse or project! (UK readers:project = worse than a council house). You do actually have a choice whether to disclose your earnings and the material aspects of your life, but with a web site called beautiful people don't you just know most will tell all? That is soley based on the fact that beautiful people entering a site namidly so are in fact vain.
I will stand up for some of us exclusive members because we are not all vein are we? What are we then?
The psychology of this concept is very mind stimulating. The main premis for you getting accepted on the site is that you are considered beautiful enough to get voted in by existing members. So you have to post a picture*. It is all very superficial, as the wonders of modern technology can probably super impose your face on to let's say J Lo's body.
A brief description of your unique selling points and your aims, goals and wants in life can be added to the profile (I just gave this blog address and then I know they are psycho if they continue communication!). Most men however tend to write that they are looking for that special someone in their life who will share all their sucess at being drop dead gorgeous and accompany them on their worldly travels. It is actually on the same wave length of the Miss World monalogue. You know the one - I wanna be happy, help sick kids and jet set around the globe. May be they should put WANTED VAIN BIATCH WHO WILL STROKE MY EGO AS MUCH AS I'LL STROKE HERS.
Maybe, just maybe I am being a little synical. I have after all been voted in and am just sorry for you ugly people who don't have a cat in hell's chance of becoming a member. No seriously, I am interested in this internet chat/communication senario. Even us beautiful people are to busy or self obsessed to trapes through endless pubs and clubs to find that Mr Right. And in this quest why not just elliminate all the pig ugly fuckers! ;)


*Please note a cleavage shot eventually got me voted in - My full length beach body shot did not, however I am half woman half horse after all!)

I Crave to Rave

I still need a cig - Just in case anyone in cyper space gives a shite. I will not give in. The next best thing is a cup of tea - Off to put the kettle on x

No Smoke Without Fire

It has been 8 weeks exactly since I gave up smoking...
It is hellish...
I want a cig NOW...
It is all I think about for hours on end...
Why is it so hard?
Why do I want to eat anything containing over 10g of fat?
Crave a carrot for fucks sake...
Just bought a size 14 pear of jeans.
My life is over.
I wish could just have one cig and it all be ok - Back to 8 weeks of not having one, but I know the dreaded weed will recapture my life.
It is bad enough being fat, not having a cig but to get a big fat red zit on the chin - You just don't need it, never gonna want it, cann't help but squeeze it.
Thank the Aussies for tea Tree oil, what would we do without it.
Am I bored and fed up or what?
No - I JUST WANT A BLOODY CIGARETTE
My unborn, unconcieved child you are so fortunate to have such a caring mother.
(please excuse any typos or spelling errors - You know how conciencious I am, my spell check has failed to work. I may now have to launch the computer out of the nearest window - lack of niccotine will be the cause)

A Girls Night out in Leeds (check Richie in the back)

Yippe - Finally worked this out now, it has only taken a year but since I have been out of work the past few weeks I have finally had the time and inclination to figure the posting of pictures and adding text at the same time. Can I just say thanks to (in order on picture), Leanne, Kathryn Sutcliffe (nee Knight), Kathryn Brant and Nicky Watson for coming out in Leeds on Sat - I had a wicked time girls - Even though I allowed a husband and a boyfriend to attend we still managed to pull of a girlie suaree.
Richard thanks for puking in da club - It meant I could get a decent night's kip at your house without fearing for my best mate , your lovely wife having to clear up after you all night.
Finally figured out why Leanne never seems to get hammered - 'Cause she is tending to your near death experiences such as vomit and choke and die.
Look at Leanne holding me back so I do not fall into the road! Just noticed that. She is a darling.

The Two Kats n Me

Can you Adam and Eve it?

To all you transatlantic Bloggers the title of this means "Can you believe it" (Cockney rhyming slang). I am not gonna let you find out what it is you are supposed to believe until I have the answer - All will be revealed - Actually I think this top is revealing enough don't you?
Sorry if I am being weird PMT is probably the rational explanation but it will all become clearer in a few days xx

Dermalogica Facial

Hello - I know I have to finish the Debagging post - However the story ends with me unexpectedly exposing my pants to a gang of twenty 15 year olds - So I am sure none of you are interested!
There are more important issues to blog on about today and I must say I feel that I have missed years of blissful gorgeousness by means of facials just by not having the savvy to go and get one.
It is not hard - It was however a special 20% off offer at my local hair salon Aphrodite (pronounce like "Miss Dynamiteee" for full effect) which lured me onto the beauticians couch. That, paired with four, yes four zits on my chin; which is four more than I have ever had the pleasure of wearing in my life, is what made me rush along the high street and book my self in.
I must say my friend Sarah has mentioned these extravagance before but did not exaggerate the fact that they were an essential part of a ladies life at our age. I will be reprimanding her for not handcuffing me to her fake Prada handbag and dragging me down to her old local spa haunt Harvey Nicks. All I kept thinking of was calling my mother and demanding she had one NOW, bless her I have inherited the constant face muscle tension from her and feel that it would decelerate the aging process if she immediately dropped everything (like feeding her 20 odd cats) and get into the city to have a facial MOT.
How refreshing it was to be massaged - face neck and collar bones, the latter region stirred up some sexual tension however, and I was already planning my next move... Bag a guy who has beautician qualifications. Foreplay would never be the same again, mind you I am off to San Fran for 3 months, maybe there will be plenty of guys with such attributes on their CV's; however, to find one who ticks the hetrosexual box too could prove difficult.
I was laying down with my shirt off, bra straps to the sides and hair wrapped up in some sort of bandanna and the fun began. A simple cleansing, scrubbing, massage then scrubbing, essential oils, lemon grass if I am not mistaken and massage. The finale was a slapping on of thick gooey moisturiser on the face and some lighter but equally stickey stuff on the eyes, massage then I was left to relax for about 10 mins.
This was the hard bit. I find if very difficult to relax as I am a bit hyper to say the least. Thoughts that came flashing in front of my moisture laden eyes were, get the sofa for sale add up in the PO, what exactly could I make for dinner using an aubergine? And how many cats exactly does my mother have? By the time all these thoughts had cumulated into a big blob of blue light gyrating in front of my eyes, there was a big light and "right that will be £30 please".
So there you have it £30 worth it I must say, but I still have no idea what to do with a aubergineen? Any suggestions please send a stamped addressed postcard.

Crash - The Movie

Just so you know...
Crash the Movie is really quite thought provoking. I went to see it on Sat and my Toy Boy fell asleep, which meant I could watch the whole thing undisturbed!! I did not even finish my pop corn I was so engrossed.

De Bagged

Hello my friends...
despite the fact a nasty virus has wiped my hard drive which means I have lost the 10k words of my book forever and in doing so have learned the valuable lesson of saving stuff to disk - just in case a nasty virus coughs up all over your hard drive; I am in my local library Blogging away.
I have been bypassing this place for a few weeks as I recently learned one can re new books via the phone and the kids are still on holiday. This is the longest 6 week holiday I have experienced, maybe since I have had a fair bit of time on my hands I am taking such unnecessary observations to the brink surely these poor little buggers deserve a month and a half maybe more to bug the pants off their parents, childminders or unsuspecting members of the Council Tax paying public.
Which brings me on nicely to my main reason for my bitter ranting today.
It was going to be a fantastic red wine fueled Friday with my dear friend Victoria, and it was. That was until the wine, vodka, peach schnapps and any thing else I had festering away under the kitchen sink which was slightly alcoholic (mind you I did draw the line at the Toilet Duck)was necked. Once the stark realisation of the lack of alcohol lingered long enough to render us sober enough to brave the 24 hour garage we decided that we needed milk, as the only other form of liquid stimulation which was left was coffee. As usual I had no milk so the trip was scheduled and our military style operation 'Garage-a-Thon' was penciled in.
You may think that there is no planning required for such a short walk at midnight to the top of my road. However due the vast amount of alcohol consumption the fact I had been gardening all day and was in dire need of a shower some sort of order was required. I quickly showered and donned the comfortable option of Adidas trackie bottoms, pink hooded top and a beanie. It goes without saying that my Birkenstock sandals were on the plates (of meat = feet((Cockney Rhyming Slang)).
We were off. I was slightly concerned I had wet hair but thought the beanie would curtail any of the old wife's tale of 'catching your death' of coming true.
A quick game of knock a door run, or knock down Ginger was proposed by Victoria, but I reminded her of my age and even though she is slightly younger at 25 advised her that it probably was not a great idea to start instigating some enraged household with a view to having to leg it - Birkenstocks are not the preferred running shoe, as I discovered in Rio (see blog entry http://frombarnsleytobrazil.blogspot.com/2005/01/what-shenanigan.html - Please note this is my best mate's blog site - I went to Brazil with her this year and she tells the tale of the night we had to leg it from some very angry bar men - while wearing Birkenstocks).....
Sorry for this break I have run out of time on this PC but will reveal all tomorrow - Literally as you will soon discover!!
Jo x

Handed Notice In

Hello, just handed my notice in at my Landscape maintenance job. A move I have been thinking about since I put the house up for sale.
I am hopefully signing the contract with the buyer at the end of this month. After 2 years of landscaping on my own, taking briefs, designing and building, my most recent job was nothing short of a street cleaner's position. Not that there is anything wrong with a street cleaner, they provide such a valid service to the community, something I will appreciate from now on. It is amazing how much litter people do chuck aimlessly out of their cars and pockets as they spare no thought for the high vis.(bright yellow waistcoats) clad council workers not to mention Landscape maintenance Foremen who have to use one of those grabber sticks my nan used to use to retreave a Kleenex from the coffee table, to get the offending items safely in to a bin liner.
I am off on my travels back to San Francisco. My mother's home is there and I am planning to take a 12 week trip back there for a gander at potential job prospects, investment and who knows what else? Well, actually I know. I am searching for a gay male friend. Someone who can help me on my small quests to find the US equivalent to Boots and a decent beer. After traveling to the gayest city in the world since I was 15 it is about time I got my self a gay friend. I feel every girl should have one. There will be some plus points and also undoubtedly negatives. Exactly what these are will remain a mystery until I have conquered my quest for a queer.
I am still planning to release a book and feel that life is for living and it is all merely research for the book we all have inside us somewhere. It has taken me a year to come up with a concept and a title. Now I have these it is party time until my research is complete and my womb starts to scream "the clock is ticking biatch". Only then may I settle down and push out a few sprogs.
I am trying to get a new picture on my profile as the one I have is a bit old now - Since I have been a none smoker for 22 days!! Update on this fact is I am now 7lbs heavier. Never mind, the toy boy sexercise sessions will soon put pay to that slight increase.

Get a Toy Boy

I thoroughly recommend acquiring a man a few years younger than ones self. Since I managed to pull one using the Byonce Knowles ass-wiggle in da club a few weeks ago I have made many life changing alterations to my mundane existence in London post bombings.

I HAVE FINALLY GIVEN UP SMOKING; having a fag after sex usually meant lighting up at the end - But when sex actually goes on longer than 6 minutes I think it is a bit inconsiderate to keep lighting up in between thrusts.

I AM COMFORTABLE NOT WEARING ANY MAKE UP; this is due to the complements I have received from my new beau regarding how youthful I looked when getting out of the shower. I guess what he meant was that without foundation (well tinted moisturiser - this is the noughties) the creases near the eye, mouth and forehead area aren't quite so obvious.

I HAVE BEEN TO THE GYM...TWICE IN 2 DAYS*!; this is probably because he is a 6 pack wearing Adonis type male of the PE teacher variety.

I CAN SWIM 40 LENGTHS IN A REAL POOL WITHOUT RESPITORY AID; perhaps a result of my first point.

I PURCHASED A NEW PLATINUM RAMPANT RABBIT; well, we couldn't let him see the old past its sell by date original version. Same principle of dashing out to TK Maxx and purchasing shed loads of new French designer knickers

Any negatives? Well duuuuuggggghhhh - he is 4 years and 8 months my junior, and that aint gonna change EVER!

*this has not happened since I graduated with a Sports Science degree in 1997!

Bridget Jones a Reality

I used to laugh out loud at the old bat Miss Jones, Bridget and the original one from Rising Damp. Now I am nearing 31 and I am beginning to realise that to snigger at a poor woman's inadequacies at getting along in life with or without a mate is not on. I would only be laughing at some of my girl friends. Drinking a bottle of red or two on a Monday night could only be stuff of the movies I pressumed, but it is so true these days, and it is not even winter.
It is such a bummer our clock ticks as quick as the egg timers sand when you are trying to put a load in the wash, rinse the dishes, cut the bread and sweep the laminate flooring all before one manages to even open the egg box. Sometimes I think it would be so easy to be a middle aged divorced man wit a gold digger pleasuring him on a weekly basis.
This is why we get a dog.

Life After Nearly Getting Wed

I have not been arsed to Blog since Easter, and after reading my old posts today I decided it was probably time to come clean about the reason I started Blogging in the first place. I am not usually so mysterious as I have many friends with whom I blab on to about my mental life.
I feel it is time to blog the real me. I have been on a mad journey since last October, when I finally broke away from my Ex-Fiance. I was due to be wed on Dec 28th 2004 and cancelled the big day last June.
So with over a year having passed by with such speed I can finally reflect on the ups and ups and downs I have experienced since I made the decision to change the course of my life.
I have stopped my 3 a day splif smoking habit. I realised that I could not obtain any illegal substances while on the South American trip and saw this as a perfect opportunity to shut the door on my student days and days of hiding behind a big cloud of smoke. So far so good. I can see clearly now. I realised that due to my stoner status I was ignoring and not quite grasping the reality which was my unsuitable relationship with my fiance and at the same time immaturely hanging on to my student image. Grow up woman, you graduated in 1997!
Stopping smoking the green stuff also made me realise I was addicted to nicotine;as it is obligatory to mix the green with the tobacco my dependence on Marlboro Lights alarmingly increased from 6 a day to over 20 a day while on my travels.
I can now happily say I am trying my hardest to quit the cigs. It will be 2 weeks on Monday since I let the dreaded weed past my lips and with all my new found strength and willpower I feel this habit may have been cracked too.
My final habit which took so long to crack was my 5 year relationship. I have no malice to convey and wish him luck. It is so difficult to realise your fairytale will disperse into a nightmare unless you have the strength to give up the ghost.
Many months have been spent deliberating, hours rationalising, reasoning and regurgitating over the phone with him and to my dear friends. Emails are not the easiest way to communicate with someone when you are dealing with such sensitive matters, especially when one is in England and the other is in S America.
It took some doing but he is out of my life. I would love to be friends but that will never work, so we said our final goodbyes and can try and get on with our lives.
I am still writing my book and have a title and a structure. The structural element was really hard to think up and this alone took me 8 months. Let's hope I can fill in some of my old stoner time with my writings, anything is better than an ashtray full of roaches, a life living with a roach and a future with no hope.
XX

Yorkshire At Last

Ey Up,
Just to let you know I am back in my home town of Keighley for a week. Back in the big smoke on Easter Monday.
Happy Easter for then by the way - bet you are wondering what happened to me giving up smoking for Lent? Well, it lasted a day, then resumed and lasted two days. Now I am back on about 5 smokes a day, so I guess I will not be getting an egg this Easter, and the priest will probably dish out a fair few Hail Marys if I even attempt to set foot into a confessional box. I am a looser, an addict, a chaver, pikey git.
I was out for dinner with Sarah's boss Glyn and a few mutual friends on Thursday and I managed to go through a case of wine, a wonderfully sumptuous glass of Port and a brandy without even thinking of a fag. However it was the coffee that did it. I had to make several excuses up just so I could justify lighting up in such lovely none-smoking company and succumbed to sucking the ass off a M Light even though my head still yells "Think about it biatch....It is your giving up for Lent thingie". I began to wish I had given up something easy like eating dog pooh sarnies, but oh no, I decided smoking would be my goal for this religious occasion and I failed miserably. Why is it so hard? I usually manage to do what I say I am gonna do without any problem, but it seems the enemy Mr nicotine put a stop to that. Now I feel even more miserable as I have let the Lord down! I am a good Catholic girl by the way, but have chosen not to do the church thing since the nuns stopped whipping me with their rosary beads at 1st school. I do however still indulge in the odd pressy at Christmas and a few chocy eggs at Easter, and of course my children will have to endure the same bible bashing, I mean studies as I did.
Anyway, I am here at my grandparent's house, just finished the washing up after being fed a delicious granddad stylee spag bol. Oh what it is to be home. I have been sleeping in my old room and still love routing through the cupboards looking for family treasures and memorabilia, such as 1st swimming certificate for 10m, and old GCSE course work and the infamous family photo albums.
I must say the chair at the top of the landing still gives me the willies as it has lion's feet and a weird carved back, I feel eyes following me round the landing. Probably spy cams installed by granddad. He seems to be more technically minded than me (would not take much though), I am actually blogging from his PC right now. Bless him, he has a printer and a scanner too. Deffo more hardwear than me. Note to me. Buy a printer when one gets a job.
Talking of which, I am still on the look out for a temp job. I am not surprised there are so may homeless in London. The streets are paved with empty McDonald's wrappers and Starbuck's cups. No work in the temping field. Therefore I am back to the old trade and am digging up grandma's garden for some hard earned pocket money. I wish I had done the audition for Corrie all those years ago- I would be famous right now and not worrying about the growth speed of snowdrops up here in comparison to down South. They are well into their blooming season in San Fran - Mum gave me the low-down on her bulbs the other week. Mind you an American snowdrop is as big as a sunflower here - Typical, they have to be bigger. But in this case not necessarily better - Don't you prefer the tiny little specimens?
Ok I am loosing the plot a bit. Must say I have been reading a lot lately as well as dealing with loads of pants down to the knees builders who are doing work on the house. My life does not warrant a daily or even weekly blog. I am however open to jokes for the speech I am making at Leanne's wedding on April 16th - any suggestions? Please, I only know a few 'Knock Knock' jokes, the main one being the old Dr Who one - which although very topical right now is about as ancient as Camilla Parlker Bowles Chief Bridesmaid.
See Thee,
Jo x

Estate Sale

Dear all who are calling me complaining I am a lazy blogger,
I must apologize for my lack of effort in the blogging department but I have been a busy beaver of late. Mainly catching up with old friends and getting my fill on the gossip front. I have also been entertaining quite a few estate agents and have even been offered a job by one of them. Apparently my negotiating skills are some what shark like so I would fit in their shoes - that is if I was staying here.
As you know I am not, I am planning to get to America as soon as possible, with the land of opportunity at my feet I am sure I will be coming up with a pretty alternative lifestyle change which will not involve selling houses. On this subject however I would like to use this page to tell you about my estate sale. Rather grand title I know - It is an American phrase for car boot sale. Since I no longer have a car boot from which to show my life times collectibles I am having a sale at my home a week on Saturday.
I am currently dragging stuff out of the cupboards, cleaning and pricing them up and putting them in my pristine shed to sell to the neighborhood. There will be some bargains as I have still not got a job and my shoe fetish is suffering to say the least. My feet are still not too sure about being covered up after wearing flip flops for 5 months - however they are really chilly and I am in need of some warm boots. Hopefully selling my pan collection can aid this purchase. So if you are interested please feel free to ask questions - I am considering eBay for the electrical stuff. I can assure you they are all in fantastic nick.
Ok back to it. Hope you are all well, I wish I could organise a party before I depart, however this is not practical as my buddies seem to be living from John O Groats to Lands End. I will try and give you all a call before I depart.
Big Love to you all xx

For Rent

First of all I should post the most important fact de jour - My mother is OK - Biopsy results came back clear. However she needs to be kept an eye on as she is a bit lumpy in the breast area and needs to have mammogrammes every six months. It is a good job she does not know how to use a PC or else I would not be getting my pocket money this week!
So it is back to the Harper of old, I can feel a few jokes coming on - One of them being the sheer injustice I discovered yesterday when I had a dreaded Estate Agent to my castle to tell me how much I was gonna make becoming a landlord. Hummmmm, I decided to reserve judgment on the guy, who was called Chris and looked younger than Garath Gates. But I cannot bite my tongue any longer. What a rip off. Renting one property is not a fast way to becoming the next Richard Branson. The fees are extortionate and I am compelled to let the world wide web know what to expect if they go off traveling for 5 months, come home, become a landlord and get the hell out of dodge back to the land of opportunity.
The finders fee, which consists of putting an ad in the local paper and posting the property on the net., conducting credit checks on the tenant and collecting a deposit and 1 month's rent is 750 quid (please not I do not have a pound sign on this PC).
Then that is it - I am on my own, living 6,500 miles from home and I am responsible for collecting subsequent rents and dealing with any problems which occur such as malfunctioning washing machine etc etc.
Dealing with failing electrical equipment and hassling people for non payment of rent is not an ideal job if one is living 8 hours behind the UK and have a 10 hour flight to contend with when the demands call for it.
So, the full management package may seem appealing, that is if one is prepared to pay 65 quid a month on top of the finders fee to leave the Agents in charge. This does not insure one against anything. As a landlord one would be expected to accept the Agent's work men visiting the house to carry our any required works and would just get the cost deducted from the rent before it even reaches the bank account.
The inventory of items is costly, approximately 70 quid for the initial checks then the same again for them to calculate the exact extent to which the tenant has fleeced you of your life time collection of pots, pans and crockery.
Each time a 6 month lease is signed the finders fee is payable and the tax for one traveling abroad is automatically deducted from any rent at 22% or 40% (I do not get these figures, but I am sure I will once I speak to my accountant).
If all of that is not enough one has to change the mortgage to let out a property, which will cost about 500 quid, get all the gas safety certifications from a Corgi registered geeza and make sure any furniture one leaves is fire proof!
I have slept on the idea of renting, and as I am only planning on doing it for 6 months and have no intentions on planning to live here again. It seems that out of the 6 months rent I will only get 3 months, the Agent will get the same. Now if he looked like Garath Gates and has as big a willy as Jordan put it in her autobiography (yes, I can admit to reading this but only as an aid to get me to sleep through the jet lag!) I may be prepared to throw away so much lolly. But he wasn't, and I don't think I will thank you very much.
I am getting a second opinion this evening, which means hoovering, dusting and hiding all my mess under the sofa yet again. Then listening to all the dribble about what I will be liable for if anything so much as a cup of tea gets spilled on the carpet.
Decisions, decisions I want to sell, however all my elders are advising against this, as it is an investment. So is putting the cash in a high interest account. What are the tax implications? Any comments?

This is me and a Peruvian jewelery seller - I am modeling my purchase - Cat's Eye earrings. This guy tried to get us to go meditating with him. I have mentioned him in an early posting. 

I can not rotate this pic - I am not too hot on this at the moment - Give me time. This is the Sarong Man at Ipanema Market 

Cable car view from Sugar Loaf - the main beach pictured is Copacabana. 

I am getting giddy posting this - It is the cable car ride up to the top of Sugar Loaf - The Christ statue is the little point in the middle of the range in the back ground. 

The beach at the foot of Sugar Loaf 

This is Mr Alfonzo and me in the appartment we rented off him for the biggest part of our stay - We named him the Brazilian Del Boy - Classic case of Grecian 2000 

A view of Sugar Loaf Mountain from the heart of Rio 

Our second day in Rio - This was taken up at the 1st stop o the cable car up Sugar Loaf Mountain - Note the Christ the Redeemer statue in the back ground  

Sarah and me in our favourite restaurant Felicia - We were hooked on the sorbet cocktails 

This is me on Ipanema Beach, Rio Brazil 

1st Set of Pictures

Hey What Up - Or Wup (my Yorkshire abbreviated version),
I have finally had the time and have inclination to get set up posting pictures - I am not sure how to get any more of them on to the site so I can then download to the Blog - So the ones I have posted today are from the 1st set I took in Brazil. I wish I could figure how to put them all on here for you so you could flick through them like a regular album - Well, I am getting there. Patience my dears - I may surprise you.
Mum gets her biopsy results tomorrow so I am slightly concerned - did not get much sleep last night. I am soooo trying to quit smoking too. All this is really heart stopping and cigarettes are lethal. It is really hard to quit. I had one at 3am and not touched one since - about 9 hours and I have been asleep for most of those. All I am doing is staring at the packets of duty frees I have laying round the place.
Monday tomorrow and I am waiting to get a call from one of the plethora of agencies I have signed up with for temp work. I had the shock of my life when I was asked the min hourly rate I would go for I had to say 6 quid!!! My God I have not worked for such a paltry sum since I did a month at Grandma Wild's Biscuit factory during my A'levels!
Anyway I am so trying to get the house packed up and get myself a renter in from the 1st April - Then I am planning to move back to the States - My mum could do with the help and I am not even gonna try and get acclimatized to this place again. I have too much under my belt since I left here in October and I really need to get back in the sun. British attitudes seem to suck too. I can not let anything interrupt my karma right now.

Trying to Post Pictures

I have SO much to say and no time at the moment - I am on about 40 wpm typing now and have the luxury of my own home to type - however I am on the lap top and have not quite realised how hard it is to really go for it. So I will be back tomorrow with a concise update of my life since Brazil. I will tell you I did have 2 weeks back in California and I am definitely going back as London SUCKS. I had made my mind up before I left Brazil, but I have had to come back to sort our my affairs.
I am usually full of wit (not shit dear friends), but as you all know my mum was in for a biopsy yesterday on a lump they found on her left breasticle. She gets the results on Monday, so keep your fingers crossed.
All I want to say is it is absolutely freezing cold in London - In fact snow settled the other day leaving the garden white and clean - just settled long enough for me to hide in the comfort of the house and pretend the garden was ok left to its own devices. I must say not too much damage occurred during my absence so I will have to fight off the sunshine blues and get my bottom in there soon.
I have posted a picture on my profile - It typifies me, fag in hand. I must admit I am trying to quit however it seems very hard when one has a house full of duty frees!
Late x

San Fran Do the Best Shots

Hi Bloggers,
Just to let you know I have been really busy the past week. Busy NOT writing 2k words a day on my book - merely researching for it. I guess my book will be based on a drunken 30 year old - Yes, I have done nothing but dine out twice a day and drink shots of Jagermeister and Red Bull 'blasters'. I have been frequenting my old haunts in Half Moon Bay California, The Harbor Bar and the Brewing Company and I have also had a few nights of debauchery in San Fran itself - There were masked as shopping days but visiting a bar for a cocktail at 2pm does not make much time for frequenting the many wonderful shops the city has to offer.
I have been spending time with my mum, who is going through a tough time of it after being called back after a routine mammogram. She has just been told today about her next trip to the hospital which will be for a biopsy on a couple of lumps they found in one of her breasts.
I will be changing the tone of my blog for a while as I will be documenting the days ahead and if it comes to it how things pan out when you discover such a shock as potential cancer in the family. There is no humour to be had in the 'c' word. But since a couple of people close to me are going through the same thing with their parents I think the diagnoses should be documented as it is not something that does not happen to you. This blog is about me and contrary to popular belief my holiday had to end somewhere.
I should be back in the UK in a few days, just trying to swing a stand by business class ticket, then it is back to the house in Kent, and back to office work for a month to pay my bills and get ready for Leanne's wedding.
I have been aware of my mates in the past few weeks, and thank the boffins of Sillicolne Valley for the invention of email. I just wanna thank you all for being somewhere in the world for me. I love you all.

Gosh has it been a week?

Hi blogsterthonathonerers,
I have been a busy girlie I bet you are all wondering as I have not had time to get on my blog - Well, the realisation my long trip since October is coming to an end and reality is biting hard at one's heels.
I am back in San Francisco after a 28 hour journey. It is raining - What can I say? Someone been doing the old rain dance again.
I am not really in the mood to blog as I am psyching myself up for the journey back to the UK in 2 weeks and also I am getting in the right frame of mind for the book. I am aiming for 2k words a day so if you are a regular log-on to my site you will be best to check back in another week.
Sorry for being so dull and limp - Must be the Brazilian Blues.
Jxx

Prostitute

That title got all the boys looking I bet!
Last night was the final night of madness in this torrential rain hit city. Sarah and I have been restricted on the amount of fun we could have simply due to the fact drinking has to be involved to get into the party spirit in this town and we have not had a chance to do so as we are like a living wonder of the world to the locals. Basically we stand out like a sore thumb and the blacks here can not help but stroke and harass us - thus we have remained sober to keep our wits about us. Very sensible I feel, especially since I am usually the party animal.
The rain has dampened our spirits - I am sure I have gone on enough about this, but honestly there is nothing to do here in the rain, except sleep. Sarah thinks with all the beauty sleep we have had we now look like teenagers again!
We were enjoying an afternoon nap yesterday when the buzzer to the apartment went - I answered it and it was Jose Manuel a 28 year old guy from Chile who we met on the flight to Salvador. His friends had gone out already as he had thought his flight to his next destination was in the am, but having got to the airport in a post samba stress the front desk informed him his flight was 24 hours later! So Jose was up for a night out with his English buddies.
We slapped on a bit of waterproof mascara and put on our hooded tops (1st time out of the rucksack in 5 weeks) and off we swam to the historic centre of town for the last night of carnival.
We had a few Capprihannas and got a wee bit tipsy, we did feel safer with a guy and did not get any of the usual strokes from the locals due to our chaperone being such a star.
In the pub I got chatting to a lad called Marlon (32) from Twickenham, but was distinctively Cockney to me. He was smoking a huge cigar and seemed like a laugh. His Spanish was from tapes he had back at his apartment - I asked him if the narrator was Michael Caine - his attempt at the lingo was hilarious (Marlon i]f u r reading this - nice try mate) He ended up at our table with another Chilean called Joel. He was a lawyer - we have encountered many on this trip. Either it is some sort of lie to catch out attention or Sarah just attracts them, since she is one herself. Anyway the party was on.
Joel asked if his ´friend´ could sit with us and we said sure - the more the merrier and all that. What he forgot to inform us was that she was a 15 year old (well, she looked it) local prostitute, and was his bit on the side for $40 for 2 nights! This shocked me and I was not prepared to entertain the idea, we were getting a few stares form the rest of the bar by this time. What was eve more shocking was when the pervert asked if I wanted to join them later! Yeah right. He got the wrath of Jo and tried to make a joke but I was having none of it and he soon left with his girl in tow.
This country is so poor, I could not believe how cheap it was to rent someone for such a small amount, it really did open my eyes. These people love westerners and many of them try anything to get out of this place.
we had a 9 year old kid begging for milk for his baby sister the other day, it was heart breaking, we helped him though and he was a little cutie. He said he was called Jackson, after somehow that would help his cause, well it did and it was humbling to know he was gonna go back with a weeks worth of powdered milk for the family.
There are loads of young pregnant girls walking the streets and the Favelas are just bits of cardboard with no protection from the elements, it just makes you think how lucky we are. It certainly puts a lot into perspective for me, and for lessons such as this I am truly grateful for the opportunity I have had coming to South America.

Sights of Salvador

Hi Blogster buddies,
Just in a Pusada (lodge house), which is full of travelers and consists of a few pc´s and a corridor full of bunk beds for weary traveling types. It is now that I see that my ´70´s syled apartment may actually be ok compared to this. If only it possessed a computer I do not think I would have got out of bed today as it had rained solidly for 24 hours now. However the partying is rampant and there are still endless sights to be seen, especially if you are as avid a people watcher as myself.
We have seen at least 1,000 Gandhis - dressed with towel turbans, full on frocks and sandals all with Gandhi´s head embossed on them. Beads like you could not imagine and silly looking grins. They are part of a Blocca which follow the floats round the circuit. We have not been part of this tradition as it is far too expensive and have resigned ourselves to the cheap seats when we have ventured out into this mad-cap world of wierdos. We are referred to a Pipoca (popcorn) by the ticket paying public, cause we stand on the sides jumping up and down.
We have seen grown men dressed as Mini Mouse, hundreds of them. Their outfits are spot on but there make up leaves a lot to be desired.
Now I think the transvestite population of S America have transcended upon this part of the country, I have a feeling that they have traveled far and wide as their various degrees of girlie attire are so different. Some just wear really tight jeans with nylon colourful skin tight tops with a little eye liner and lipstick, others have mini dresses on of al sorts of patterns and colours and actually look like some surgery has been performed, they have boobs and cheek bones, and finally there are some with full-on beards and a bit of lippy with a wanky wig. So you can see how confusing it all gets - especially after a few - I can see a few men getting them selves into sticky situations.
The kids are the best, they have fancy dress of all descriptions, but the street kids are amazing. They too and fro like little ants, getting in to nucks and crannys you would not expect, gathering essentials for their mothers who are street sellers. Selling all you could imagine from beads to beer. The little kids are back and fourth getting ice and more lagers in wheel barrows or trying to balance the poly ice boxes on their tiny heads, while dodging thousands of people in the street. Some even carry round make shift BBQ´s with them, they are made from old paint tins (the things they make with these tins is a blog in itself, I do not think I will be able to bring myself to throwing one of them away again). These BBQ contraptions are for roasting cheese-on-a-stick, a lovely treat when you are sick of pizza.
We have been to Pizza Hut two mornings in a row now for all you can eat breakfast - I will not be eating too many of these again upon my return to civilisation, I have had enough. I am ready for home I must say. Missing a sterile environment and dying to get back to the old cleanse, tone moisturise routine. I am dying to dump the can of insect repellent and tea-tree oil. Give me constant hot water, clean towels and sweat free nights any time. I miss my bathroom.

It Stinks

Ok I am apologising yet again for the spelling mistakes in this post. I cannot seem to fathom the spell check - Well, Salvador does not facilitate such luxuries, so I will be checking and amending as soon as I reach civilisation. Which is not too far away, praise the Lord as it is raining again and it really does stink here. There are rumored to be about 2 million people in the area for carnival and I have only seen 10 portaloos to date so the picturesque roadsides in this historical center seem to be the only place for grown men to relieve themselves. This is not a generalisation, I am not being sexist, all women know we would do anything to avoid such public defecation (is that a word - I am sure spell check would have helped me out here). Yes, we women know that sometimes you even have to buy a sarni just so you can use some little cafe´s toilet. I have been in and out of these cafes for a few days now, and they are dirtier than the streets in some instances, perhaps the men are right. I am not happy about not being able to wear flip flops in this pee strewn city, especially since it is now hammering it down and the streets are home to rivers of unrine please get me back to civilisation.
We are in the historic centre again, we do like to revisit our favorite haunts. Last night´s dinner made us want to come back, even though the service was poor the onion soup made a lasting impression. The net cafe we are in is in a sort of religious centre, Sister Pascal´s picture is hanging above my head and there are notices stating ´´Proibido sites pornografico´´ dotted about. The toilets in here smell as bad as a sewage reprocessing plant and I have just deleted a whole posting in my dash for said loos, so am not in the best of moods.
Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and being a staunch Catholic girl I am giving up ash - IE smoking,(isn´t that what you are supposed to give up for Lent?) The dreaded weed will be no longer my lips best buddy. As I am not really a practicing Catholic some may know this ( no names mentioned) and I am a smoker why the sudden decision to quit, for 6 weeks?
Well, it has absolutely nowt to do with the tens of youths who seem to preach to me about the habit on a daily basis. I try to explain in broken Spanish that I have no dependents and I quite like the idea of spending my last days in a box, afterall they would be otherwise spent in an old person´s home dead or shouting ``nurse`` for hours just cause I wanted jam instead of marmalade on my cold toast. No it is not this intrusion of my life´s decision to satisfy every waking hour with at least one cancerous stick of pouting pleasure.
It is the harsh colour photos which occupy the entire pack of cigs in this country. Even though they are about 15 pence a pack here which does not stop everyone blagging them off you, they seem to have it sussed with the old shock tactics. This is my main reason for quitting, I am using Lent as a cover up.
I have seen a few pictures such as a little girl in the back of a car with inhaler in her mouth, a gammy leg and a dead rat and cockroach. One of the questions which I must ask myself is why the Mayor of London has not been informed of such a revolution? If smoking is so bad for rats why on earth doesn´t he do something about the fact that when in London you are never less than 3 foot away from a one? Ken Livingstone, get your arse to Brazil, stock up on duty frees and get the rats hooked. Gotta be a lot cheaper than Rentakill.
Talking of rats, I cannot believe that I have not seen one here yet considering it is such a smelly pee-ridden place.
Gotta go for a fag now - one of the last for 6 weeks.

Pelaghrini-Salvador´s Historical Wonderland

Hey -What up?
Just blogging-in to let you know I have not been subjected to any robber´s blatent attempts to stick their hand´s down my pants and grab the nearest thing they find. They would only be dissapointed as my entire knicker contents are a bent drivers licence - no I obtained it legally - It is just bent with all the thrusting into my knickers for the past five weeks; a cigarette lighter and a crumpled up 20 reais note. This little ensemble of goodies has been my life line since I arrived. The note will be framed for posterity upon my return and left for my grand children to admire, that is unless a robber does manage to nab it.
We are enjoyig carnival, but I must say Sarah is tyring of the same old, where are you from? How long are you here for? type of questioning, and is being positivly rude to the locals we have encountered. I am dying to get into the spirit of things but my ban on hard liquer is putting a dampner on this.(this is a due to a series of events only my nearest and dearest know about!)
I am sat in Pelaghrini - You hardened travellers wil instantly know my misspelling of this town, I must appologise for my incompitence but spelling was never my strongest point,and unfortunately spell check will not get me out of my error this time.*
Yes,I am extatic as I have finally found somewhere caled an internet cafe which sells coffee, food and lets you smoke while typing. They sell amazing cigars too, but I have no friends who smoke those sort of long instruments of death so will not be puchasing - plus I do not think my sweaty 20 reais will stretch to one somehow.
We have been an a bus today. For 1/2 an hour we searched down the coast to find the perfect beach to top up the tan. We read in a guide book that Flamenco beach was a winner, even if it did state the amount of raw sewage running from the Favelas (slums) into the ocean. It was shit - literally. We made ourselves make the best of a bad situation and pretended we were residents of a hotel. To use their pool facilities,which we did - finally I have a tan line! I must say the skimpy bikinis are not the fashion in this part of Brazil and we were subjected to a few funny looks but that did not get in the way of our tanathon session. Objective accomplished.
Carnival is too mad for the old lass Harper. I can not sleep without ear plugs, even if it is a meger repellant for the banging of drums and street vendors constant barks. People are looking very tired by day 4 of this festive extravagansa. I amhowever pleased to report no hangovers of yet,but I seem to have a constant ringing in my ears none the less.
Salvador is not a patch on Rio, I must say. The carnival is its only saving grace. My advice come to carnival with your drinking head firmly screwed on, as in a sober state there are only so many weirdos one can take.

* note. Spellcheck did not save me from anything in this blog as it has declined my frantic efforts to check this text. I just pray my english teacher is not reading this.

FIRST NIGHT IN SALVADOR

I AM IN HEAVEN.....
Hi guys,
Can not stay long as I have to get tan and it is boiling here, got here safe and spent the opening night of carnival in style. Looking out of a private bar on the beach watching the millions of revilers go by. I have so much to say and no time I am afraid, but I will let you know this is the biggest party in the world and it is absolutely brilliant. I wish life could be one big carnival. It is madness.
Saw 2 incidents of thieving - pick pocketing from our window view - and there are so many police they were on them straightaway.
We are not taking any risks and will be back tomorrow to tell the real story of last night's celebrations. All I am saying is the part is 24/7 and we are here for a week!

Best Friend´s Wedding

Hello my blogster budsters,
I have been too up my own arse to realise that I have a very special occasion coming up on 16th April. I have never forgot that I am due to be the Chief Bridesmaid at my best friend from Uni, Miss Leanne Dyas´ very special day. She is marrying Mr Richard (Richy) Lumb, with whom she has been Siamese-twinned to since 26/12/´94. ´Bout bloody time I hear you cry, my sentiments exactly.
Anyway, I have been receiving various emails regarding wedding venue hotel deals, hen nights and dress fittings for several months now. It does not seem 2 minutes ago since we were attending Fresher´s ball and discovering we were the only two people in York who spoke with a Yorkshire accent.
Now, the reason for this blog is to obviously give my sincere best wishes and congratulations and good luck with the plans and all that jazz, however my main concern is the speech!
Yes, speech. As chief bridesmaid and bestist of bestist friends in the whole wide world I have been nominated to make a speech. This is due to the fact that the Father of the Bride, Best Man and Groom are all absolutely petrified of making a complete and utter twat of themselves in public. Since I have been doing so for the past, well, when did I learn to talk? About 29 years, I seem to be the obvious choice to get the guests into a complete fit of fall of their balloon-decorated chairs with laughter and confirm how fantastic the families, couple, maids, caterers and Dave the DJ are, have been and will be.
I need a plan. I have been advised no rugby drinking type games (come on Leanne, a few toasts will be ´´traditional´´ and no photographs.
Now if you knew Leanne you would know that all the social and non-fascinating events since we commenced uni have been documented, in date order, in numbered photograph albums; they even have their own shelves in the office at her house. No photographs, why did she keep such a chronicle of our mad happenings then, if she did not want them blown up to poster size and exhibited around the very swish venue? Only joking babe. It is your special day and I promise not to show the one of you being sick in the ladies at Old John´s reunion - which you did actually post me a copy off - oh if only you could turn back the clock eh?
seriously you lot, I need help. I am not funny on command, I simply make people laugh when I am not pressured in any way. Now I am feeling the burn - Just before carnival as well, did you wanna spoil the last 10 days of my Brazil trip?
Anyone who knows Leanne or Richie for that matter have you any ideas - on a postcard please. No - email me harperjo@gmail.com. Do not post anything on the web, ´cause she is on it like a hawk.
I absolutely poohing my pants at the thought, seriously. It brings me back to my speech when I was contending against the great Alex AKA Bugsy for the hokey team´s Club captaincy post. Which I of course won - but that is not the point.

NEWS FLASH (DA DA DA DA DA DA DA)

It has stopped raining- Just to let you know I am once again the sunbathing queen of Rio - Not to be confused with the carnival queens. In fact I cannot stay long as the sand is summoning me.
It is our last day in Ipanema. I am pleased since we have exhausted things to do, been in all our favorite eateries at least 10 times each and we are ready to rock roll and rule (read this with a DLT accent please)in Salvador.
Now I must warn you, if you do not hear from me for a while, I will just be living la viva loca at the street parties - which apparently will be going on for the 8 nights (and days) I will be residing there.
Geeves...Pour me another Caprihana.

10 Things to Do In Rio In the Rain

1) Buy a nice pair of turn up 3/4 length jeans that make you feel like a new woman.
2) Buy 2 pairs of the oh so trendy, only available in Selfridges, London Havaianas flipflops in pink and black with Brazilian flag (for 3 quid each).
3) Try and buy cheapo underwear from Brazilian version of New Look, get really hot in the changing room because even though it is raining enough to keep a country the size of France in water for the next ten years, it is still 28 degrees F; then get disappointed as your new bra size is not available in any patterns you like and your best mate gets all the little cute bargain sets for herself.
4) Have a full-on pro pedicure with all the fancy instruments of dead hard skin torture for a mere 7 quid. (Mind you the actual painting could have been done better by Stevie Wonder).
5) Drink one of a plethora of juices - Just guess the names of them, this makes it much more interesting.
6) Write a Blog and thus spend shit loads of time in Dirty Net cafes, contracting a multitude of bugs, viruses (both types) and die of thirst due to the air con.*
7) Visit the Statue of Christ the Redeemer (did this on Sunday). Even though it is foggy and you cannot see the top of his head, you suddenly realise you have not been up there yet and you are off to Salvador for carnival on the 4th Feb.
8) Get lost in a Flavela - Slum place you are so warned about in all the books- This was not on my original list of things to do - however as we decided to hike back for over an hour from Christ the Redeemer, instead of getting the quaint little train we had a ticket for - just ´cause there was a break in the rain and it seemed like a great idea at the time.
9) Eat loads of weigh your own food for cheaper than McDonald's prices.
10) Learn Cee Lo Green and his Perfect Imperfections tracks 1-21 off by heart**, ***.


* Please can anyone elaborate as to why net cafes are called cafes? They do not sell cream teas, coffee or pop for that matter.
** I hope this one does not materialise we are due some sun please GOD! ihave mastered about 10 so far.
***Buy this album - Russell, since you are the only one to ever offer comment and you are the only one who is into tunes more than moi, make a purchase - He is a rapper from the South - a player - Shaggy, but fantastic!

Photo - DIRTY NET

Ok there is finally a pic of Cocopabana Bach Rio - Do not ask me who took it - I found it on the PC in our not so favorite `Dirty Net´ cafe (flea ridden,however it is open ´till midnight so we love it).
Basically I have to use ´Hello Picasso´ to download pics. But you have to have your pics on the PC to make this simple (in theory) transaction and I have not got a Danny (Danny La Rue - Clue. Cockney slang again, sorry) how to it - without taking permanent residency in Dirty Net.
Although it is pissing it down for the 10th consecutive day - yeah - Laugh all you ant at least I am not working and it does not get dark until at least 8pm, I now cannot, even if I wanted to stay in Dirty Net for too Long due to a certain Rodriguez.
Last night I was typing like a fiend, pounding the keys with such intensity it sounded like I was stuck in a bomb blasted building trying to Morse code-it the hell out a there, and I noticed a stranger peering over his station. You know the typical ugly Brazilian? - Now that is hard to find, but I managed. As he moved to pay the cashier he approached me and asked if I was German. No comment! He then said he had emailed me on my hotmail account after peeping a look over my shoulder as I typed a PERSONAL email. "Sorry I am with a friend, please leave me alone", was my polite reply. I would have sworn but the only swearing they understand is Mother F*#@er and that is not in my usual repertoire! If you do know me - You will make a few stab in the dark guesses of a few choice ones, however will instantly know I never use that phrase. So off he went.
I immediately checked my hotmail account and sure enough he had mailed me saying he wanted to chat Is this what these cafes are coming to, a cheap and cheerful way to pull without the offer of even a beverage? Not that I am cheap, ´cause a kebab would have to be on offer if I was even gonna look at ya!
So picture the scene, Sarah is laughing as this guy had made a bit of a stir in the cafe,well,it was me gabbing it across the room telling her the tale that drew people´s attention to me, then the phone rang.
"Oi, you!" (cashier lady´s finger now pointing in my direction, then pointing at receiver).
"Me?"(along with the finger everyone in the cafe´s eyes were now pointing in my direction).
Immediately I thought I was getting a "Someone´s died you have to pack your ruck sack and get your ass back home" type of call.
"Oi, Jo, It´s Rodriguez, will you come drink now?"
"Do you know the translation for stalker?"
"Stoorka?"
"No, STALKER,LOOK IT UP IN THE DICTIONARY", and with that I slammed the phone down - well, you know, I have the full attention of the cafe by this point and with an audience, well, fair play!
So that was that little incident - I was shocked to say the least - Now if only it had been a Speedo wearing-even at midnight in the rain-horny-footvolley playing type of guy, it may have been a different story!

tHIS IS  

www.skype.com

DEAR ALL YOU MUST LOG ONTO THE ABOVE SITE...
Basically since God decided to make all the angels cry at once I have been spending a lot of time in net cafes - it is cheap and keeps you dry - mind you I think I may have contracted scabies in this place as I have been itching since I got in - Anyway one good thing comes out off all this itching, rain and blogging - I was listening to a geeky guy in this cafe - he had headphones on - not unusual I know - I am usually donning a pair of sweaty God only knows how many scabby gits have worn ´em headphones myself. I could hear him talking to someone through his mike - I had to ask him what the score was and he showed me this site.
It is a FREE way of calling people from your PC - There is a spec regarding memory space and I think you need broadband, however if you log on and sign up and you want to talk to someone else who has registered it is free to call them!
Not only that, if you want to call someone who has not got it (there is a fee) but, if you have an account you pay as you go (ie put credit on your account with your credit card). You only have a price to pay for the country you are calling. Not the country you are calling from eg. If you are in Brazil - Oh lucky me I am, and if you wish to call the USA it is only 1 pence a minute! Which is the same as if you were in the USA calling the USA - and mobile rates are the same!
Get on the site to check it out at least.
I think I will be on it often as it is so hard to call people from this country, I have had full on fights with at least four phone boxes (well big blue pods) on the streets since I arrived. There is no such thing as an operator here and you can only get phone cards that last a second especially calling the UK.
I am finally getting into the technological world, it is weird really as we had just heard of email when I started uni back in 1994! My gosh I know how my gran must have felt when cars were invented - Soz gran I know you are not that old! I know she will be reading this as she is probably more advanced on a pc than me by now - I understand my grandad was having lessons from a very patient man just before Xmas - so he´s probably blogging grandma now!